ACT 2

                           

CRANE:    "He's gone!  Admiral, what is that thing?"

NELSON:   "Yes, I think he's gone, at least for now--"


He  comes  down the staircase, trying not to be too  obvious
about leaning on the handrail.  Spock follows, watching  him
closely.


NELSON:   "--that  ultrasonic gadget we used on  Blackbeard's
          ghost still seems to work.  At least . . . it did.
          I  .  .  .  I don't know how long he'll stay  gone
          though."

CRANE:    "Admiral, are you feeling any better?"

NELSON:   "Mr.  Spock has been giving me a quick  course  in
          Vulcan meditation techniques.  So far it seems  to
          be  helping, but I'll still need to use the diving
          bell sooner or later."

MORTON:   "I  wouldn't  recommend that right  now,  Admiral.
          Sonar's  picking  up  something  moving   on   the
          bottom--looks like one of those big creatures  with
          the red eyes."

CRANE:    "The ones that can pick up Seaview under one arm?"

MORTON:   "I'm afraid so, Lee."

CRANE:    "This is getting way beyond a joke!"

SPOCK:    "Indeed,   Captain,  I  fail  to  see  any   humor
          whatsoever in the situation."


Nelson glances down at his hand, and frowns.  "Concentrate,"
Spock murmurs in his ear.  "Remember, you must restrain  all
emotional  responses."  "I'm trying," Nelson  mutters  back.
Spock  steers him to the table by the nose window,  and  the
others gather round and settle into chairs.  Morton orders a
crewman  to bring a supply of coffee.  Normally, they  would
have  gone  to the Admiral's cabin to talk things over,  but
it's a bit untidy right now.


NELSON:   "Lee,  can  you  bring  me  up  to  date  on   our
          situation?"

CRANE:    "I'm  not  sure  I know where to start.   Even  if
          Krueger's gone, we've still got a lobster-man  and
          a  manfish wandering around the ship, a jungle  in
          Corridor  B,  and  something big and  brain-shaped
          growing  in  the laboratory . . . and that's  just
          what I know about."

NELSON:   "Chip, have you anything to add to that?"

MORTON:   "You  forgot  the whale, Lee.  Not to mention  the
          hull damage, and the fact that we're perched on  a
          ledge    just   above   crush   depth   with    no
          communications,  and  the  Flying  Sub's  out   of
          commission again."

CRANE:    "All  right,  all  right.  Frankly,  Admiral,  I'm
          running  out of ideas.  One thing at once  we  can
          handle, but all this . . . we could go on tackling
          one  thing  after another all night,  and  in  the
          meantime, we're running out of air and time!"


Kowalski  arrives with a pot of coffee and a  tray  full  of
mugs.  Also on the tray is a glass jug full of rather pretty
red orchids.


NELSON    (pointing at the orchids):  "Where did those  come
          from?"

KOWALSKI: "There's  a  whole  mess of them  growing  in  the
          Reactor Room, sir.  Cooky thought they'd look nice
          on the table."

NELSON:   "Get  them out of here and disintegrate them right
          now!"

KIRK      (puzzled):  "What's wrong with the flowers?"

CRANE:    "Believe  me, Jim, you don't want to know--and  you
          certainly don't want them around."


Kowalski takes the flowers away, shaking his head.


NELSON    (stirring  a  double spoonful of  sugar  into  his
          coffee):    "All  right,  let's   try   to   think
          logically."

SPOCK:    "An excellent suggestion, Admiral."

CRANE:    "Logically?   There  isn't  any  logic  to  what's
          happening!   Everything's been going crazy!   Half
          the  problems we dealt with in the last five years
          are coming back to haunt us!"

NELSON:   "Exactly.  There has to be some pattern to  it--but
          what?  What?"

MORTON:   "I haven't a clue, Admiral."

NELSON:   "It  all  started  right after our  visitors  came
          aboard.   Ever since then . . . ever  since  then,
          it's been like time got twisted out of shape.  All
          the worst bits of our past, coming back . . ."


Nelson  absent-mindedly pulls his cigarette case out of  his
shirt  pocket and flips it open.  It contains four miniature
oxygen  cylinders, a tiny blow-pipe with drug-tipped  darts,
and no actual cigarettes at all.


CRANE:    "Admiral, you quit smoking the season before last,
          remember?"

NELSON    (a bit irritably):  "Yes, I remember."

CRANE:    "Are you sure you're feeling up to this?"

NELSON:   "Would it help any if I told you exactly how awful
          I feel right now?"

CRANE:    "Probably not, but--"

NELSON:   "Then stop fussing and let me think, will you?"

SPOCK:    "Calm,  Admiral.   Pain does not matter.   Fatigue
          does not matter.  You can transcend these things."


Crane  fishes  the nearly-empty aspirin bottle  out  of  his
pocket  and passes it across.  Nelson helps himself  to  the
last  three tablets and pours himself more coffee.  Outside,
the  whale  nudges at the wounded submarine, not quite  hard
enough  to  push it off the ledge, but enough to rattle  the
cups and raise a few more sparks from the abused circuits.


KIRK:     "You  know, I just had a thought.  Is it  possible
          that all this is an elaborate illusion arranged by
          some  kind of super-powerful energy being for  its
          own amusement?  Like the time we--"

SPOCK:    "Unlikely, Captain.  Super-powerful energy  beings
          were uncommon on twentieth century Earth."

CRANE:    "Oh, you'd be surprised at what we've had stopping
          by.  In fact . . . AARGHH!"


Crane doubles over in agony, spilling his coffee.


NELSON:   "Lee!  What's the matter?"

CRANE     (very  pale and straightening up with difficulty):
          "I'm not sure. It feels a bit like . . . OUCH! ...
          Radiation poisoning."

NELSON:   "But you haven't been near the reactor today!"

CRANE:    "Well something's . . . URRGH! . . . wrong!"

KIRK      (grabbing  the microphone):  "Sick  Bay,  this  is
          Kirk.  Bones, we need you up forward right now!"

McCOY:    "On my way, Jim."


A couple of minutes later, Bones arrives, with Seaview's own
Doctor close behind.  By this time, Crane is slumped forward
over the table; the spilled coffee's soaking into his shirt;
he's barely conscious.


DOC:      "What happened?"

McCOY     (plying  his tricorder):  "It looks like radiation
          sickness.   Considering the  radiation  levels  on
          this antique, I'm hardly surprised."

DOC:      "I'm  afraid there's nothing I can do, other  than
          try to make him comfortable.  After all, he's been
          living on borrowed time for years!"

NELSON:   "There  must be something.  Doctor McCoy, can  you
          help him?"

McCOY:    "I can try."


He administers several hyposprays, and after a moment, Crane
sits up--groggy at first, but rapidly recovering.


CRANE:    "Thanks, Doc.  That feels a lot better."

McCOY:    "Don't   mention  it.   Miracle   cures   are   my
          specialty.  Anyone else?"


He happens to wave his tricorder in Admiral Nelson's general
direction, and half the indicators turn red.


McCOY:    "Spock,  I thought you were supposed to be  taking
          care of the Admiral."

SPOCK:    "And I have done so."

McCOY:    "You  green-blooded, pointy-eared loon!  You can't
          treat  a  rampaging mutant virus  with  meditation
          lessons!"

NELSON    (wearily):   "It  seems  to  be  working  so  far.
          Anyway, we're wasting time.  We need answers,  not
          arguments!"

McCOY:    "Admiral, you're in urgent need of treatment.   If
          only I could beam you up to the Enterprise . . ."

NELSON:   "Unfortunately, that's not possible right now."

McCOY:    "But you're running out of time, man!"

NELSON:   "Of course!  Time!  That's the answer!"


All  the others around the table stare at him as if  he  has
finally flipped.


NELSON:   "Spock, you remember when we were down in the  lab
          before  Krueger  showed  up,  we  were  discussing
          temporal   backlash?   That's  it.   Your   ship's
          arrival  dragged all these phenomena  out  of  the
          past.   We won't get back to normal until you  and
          your colleagues have gone."

SPOCK:    "An      interesting      deduction,      Admiral.
          Unfortunately, we cannot return to the  Enterprise
          until   some  semblance  of  normality  has   been
          restored here."

NELSON:   "I think we can handle that."

CRANE     (sotto voce):  "A semblance of normality is  about
          as close as we ever get anyway."

NELSON:   "Right, here's the plan . . ."



Somewhere below deck. . . .


Seaman Stuart Thomas Riley, USN, and Lieutenant Kevin Thomas
Riley,  UFP,  after being assigned to a detail  together  by
Chief  Sharkey  (to  shore up weakened  bulkheads),  quickly
discover that they have more than just their middle and last
names  in  common.   It  turns  out  the  two  are  actually
progenitor and descendant.  The man from the Seaview is  the
great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather of  the  man
from the Enterprise!


RILEY, S: "Hey, Kev, hand me that brace, will ya?"

RILEY, K: "Sure, Stu."

RILEY, S  (hammering in the steel beam between the deck  and
          the ceiling):  "Man, I hope this holds!"

RILEY, K: "And if it doesn't?"

RILEY, S  (smiling,  and  slapping  his  co-worker  on   the
          shoulder):   "Then we won't have  to  worry  about
          dinner tonight!"


Sitting  down right where they are, the two Rileys  steal  a
precious  minute from the laborious work-detail to celebrate
their new-found relativity.


RILEY, K: "I mean, like, WOW!  What are the odds!"

RILEY, S: "You said it, Daddio!"

RILEY, K: "I  think  you  got that backwards,  GRAND-daddio!
          Listen, if we get out of this mess alive,  Stu,  I
          wanna show you my ship."

RILEY, S: "Yeah!  And I want you to hear all my 'Beach  Boy'
          albums.   I'd give ya my autographed 'Pet  Sounds'
          to  take back to the folks as a souvenir,  but  it
          got all scratched up last week when we went into a
          crazy dive or somethin'."

RILEY, K: "That's  okay,  Stu,  I  don't  need  a  souvenir.
          Meeting you is enough.  I'm kinda glad we hit that
          black hole.  But now that I think of it, maybe ...
          maybe you could give me something."

RILEY, S: "Name it."

RILEY, K: "How  'bout a picture of yourself?  When I  was  a
          little kid on Tarsus IV, I lost everything  I  had
          (including   Mom   and  Pop),   when   Kojak   the
          Executioner  decided to bump off half the  planet.
          See,   one  day  the  stores  ran  out  of   7-Up,
          Cheerioes, gummy Klingons, and lollipops, and  the
          guy  freaked!  Luckily, Captain Kirk was my  baby-
          sitter  at the time.  Mom promised she'd  pay  him
          double if he took me out to a movie till the  Feds
          came  to  the rescue.  Only--"  (biting  his  lip):
          "--he never got his credits."

RILEY, S: "Gee, Kev, that's rough."  (Reaches into his  back
          pocket  and  pulls out his wallet):  "Here."   (He
          hands Riley a 2x3 black and white photo of himself
          on a surfboard, hanging 10.)

RILEY, K  (taking  the pic):  "Man!  Dig that hair!"   (It's
          long and wet.)

RILEY, S: "Yeah.  That was taken right before I got assigned
          to  Seaview.  I wasn't aboard five minutes  before
          Captain Crane made me get a hair cut."

SHARKEY   (spotting  his  lost crewmen from a  bend  in  the
          corridor):   "What  are you  two  goof-offs  doin'
          sittin' around!"


Both Rileys jump to their feet.


RILEY, S: "Chief!   Guess  what?  Kev and I  are  long  lost
          cousins!"

SHARKEY   (looking  like he swallowed something  sour):   "I
          don't care if he's your Aunt Sadie!  Now get  back
          to work!  On the double!"

RILEY, S: "Aye-aye, Chief."


As  they toil furiously to secure the next bulkhead, the two
young men talk on and on about their Irish heritage.  Before
long,  harmonious  strains of "I'll  Take  You  Home  Again,
Kathleen"  are  wafting from one end of the Seaview  to  the
other . . . .



Back  in the Control Room, Crane, Kirk, Spock, Morton, McCoy
and  Doc listen to Nelson expound on his theory, and program
of  action.   When Nelson stops talking, no one says a  word
until . . .


CRANE     (looking  dubious):  "Admiral,  I  don't  see  how
          that's--"


.  .  . .Unbeknownst to the men aboard the SSRN Seaview, the
USS  Enterprise,  and  the rest of the Universe,  chronology
suddenly  ceases its heretofore irreversible  succession  of
events.  Everyone, everywhere, freezes, as "that old  common
arbitrator",  "the  sand pile we run our fingers  in",  "the
illimitable, silent, never-resting thing called TIME"  comes
to  a  screeching halt.  (In other words, the clocks  stop!)
From another dimension beyond this one . . .


DISEMBODIED VOICE 1:     "The experiment is going well."

DISEMBODIED VOICE 2:     "Perhaps not.  Admiral Nelson is
                         very close to uncovering our design."

DISEMBODIED VOICE 1:     "I assure you he is not
                         omniscient."

DISEMBODIED VOICE 2:     "But you made him too wise.  I fear
                         he will discover the true--"

DISEMBODIED VOICE 1:     "I shall keep watch on the Admiral.
                         You pay heed to the Vulcan."

DISEMBODIED VOICE 3:     "Gentlemen, don't you think it's
                          about time--no pun intended--that I paid a
                          visit to our . . . men in uniform?"

DISEMBODIED VOICE 2:     "No.  The hour is not yet come."

DISEMBODIED VOICE 1:     "Yes.  The experiment must run its
                         course."


TIME is restored . . .


CRANE:    "--going to accomplish much of anything."

KIRK:     "I agree with Lee, Admiral.  The plan's stinko!"

NELSON    (looking  mad):   "Is that so?  Well,  what  about
          you,  Mr.  Spock?  Do you go along with  Frick  'n
          Frack here?"

SPOCK     (contemplating  his steepled fingers,  he  finally
          looks up):  "No, sir, I do not."

KIRK      (hurt):  "Spock!  You traitor!"

SPOCK:    "Jim,   get  a  life.   The  Admiral  has  clearly
          articulated our only possible recourse."

CRANE     (wiping  away beads of sweat that have  formed  on
          his  brow):   "Well if you two think it's  a  good
          idea, then I . . . "  (Obviously in pain again, he
          reaches for his left side.)

NELSON    (squeezing Crane's arm):  "Lee?  You all right?"


Crane answers yes with a nodding head.


DOC       (placing his hand on Crane's shoulder):  "Come on,
          Captain.  You just drew the Watch in Sick Bay."

CRANE     (releasing  his  side  and sitting  up  straight):
          "No, Doc.  There's no time for that."

KIRK:     "Atta-boy!" (Patting Crane on  the  back--hard--he
          misses  the  look of utter agony in  Lee's  eyes):
          "Bones is always trying to pull rank on me, too."

McCOY:    "Jim, be quiet!"  (Waving his mediscanner in front
          of Crane, and studying the results):  "This boy is
          sick!   But it's no wonder.  All he is is skin  'n
          bones.  Don't y'eva feed this fella, Admiral?"

KIRK      (rolling  his eyes):  "Uh, Bones, don't  you  have
          some elective surgery to perform on yourself?"

McCOY:    "What?"

KIRK:     "That foot-in-mouth-ectomy we talked about at  our
          last staff meeting?"

McCOY     (spitting  nails):  "Still havin' those nightmares
          about  Miss Edith an' that big-ol' truck, Jim-boy?
          Maybe  Spock  heah can give ya 'notha  one-a-those
          'fergit it' mind-melds."

KIRK:     "When  we  get back to the ship, are you gonna  be
          sorry you said THAT!"

McCOY:    "Oh, yeah?"

KIRK:     "Yeah!"

CRANE     (exasperatedly  running  his  hands  through   his
          hair):  "Oh, knock it off!  Please!"

KIRK:     "See what you did, Bones?"

CRANE     (loosening  his tie, and unbuttoning his  collar):
          "Doc, you and Dr. McCoy lay aft to the Crew's Mess
          on  the double.  See what you can do about freeing
          those trapped NEPS."

NELSON:   "What's this about trapped men, Lee?"

CRANE:    "Never mind, Admiral.  It's no biggie."  (Noticing
          his  orders have yet to be carried out by the  two
          physicians):  "Go on, gentlemen."

McCOY:    "Listen, Son, if that hypo's wearin' off--an'  Ah'm
          afraid it is--yawl ah gonna be cryin' foh yuh  Mama
          in a minute."

DOC:      "He's right, Captain.  You're in no condition to--"

CRANE:    "Your concern is duly noted and appreciated.   Now
          get lost!"


Fit to be tied, the medical men leave the Control Room.   As
soon as McCoy's back is turned, Kirk  sticks out his tongue.


CRANE:    "Chip?"

MORTON:   "Yes, Lee?"

CRANE:    "Get started on the Admiral's plan."

MORTON    (With absolutely no idea how to do that, he stands
          up and gives a hearty):  "Aye-aye!"

CRANE:    "Jim?"

KIRK:     "Lee?"

CRANE:    "Would you come with me to the Missile Room?   The
          Admiral's going to be busy with Mr. Spock,  and  I
          could really use your help."

KIRK      (standing  up):  "I'm there, Captain.  It's  about
          time  we  started fighting back.  And besides,  us
          handsome heroes gotta stick together."


Crane  rises slowly from his chair.  He pauses at the  table
as yet another spasm of pain sets his nerves on fire.


NELSON    (sympathetically):  "Lee?  Are you  sure  you  can
          handle it?  What if--"

CRANE:    "Admiral, if anything happens to me, Jim'll do his
          duty.   Even if it means sacrificing his life  for
          the good of both our ships."

KIRK      (paying attention all of a sudden):  "Huh?!"

NELSON:   "Just  the  same,  be careful.  And  for  heaven's
          sake,  whatever you do, don't start mooning  about
          that ditzy Mermaid from the third season!  If  her
          boyfriend comes looking for her, we're all sunk."

CRANE:    "Don't worry, Admiral.  I'm way over that chick."

NELSON:   "Right.  Sure.  Just . . . stay focused."

CRANE:    "I will."

NELSON:   "And Lee?"

CRANE:    "Yes, sir?"

NELSON:   "Try  not to get knocked out at a crucial  moment,
          hm?"

CRANE:    "I'll do my best, Admiral."


Crane  and Kirk hustle up the spiral stairs.  As they travel
down Corridor A, Crane begins to hum.


CRANE:    "Lah-la-LAAAAAAH, la-LAH la-LAH la-LAAAAAAAAAAH,
          Lah-la-LAAAAAAH,  la-LAH la-LAH la-LAAAAAAAAAAH,
          Lah-la-LAAAAAAH--"

KIRK:     "Catchy tune!  What is it?"

CRANE:    "Just a little ditty I picked up . . . on vacation
          in Venice."

KIRK:     "Vacation?"  (Sighing wistfully):  "You're a lucky
          man.  I have no beach to walk on."

CRANE:    "Try Malibu."


The  sound of voices up ahead makes Crane and Kirk  stop  in
their  tracks.  Crane sneaks down to the end of the corridor
and peeks around the corner.


CRANE:    "Oh, no!"

KIRK:     "What's wrong?"

CRANE     (sprinting back to Kirk):  "Run!  Just run!"


Senator William Dennis is pressing the flesh of every man in
his  path.   Turns out he's from the home town of every  one
of  them!  As the Captains trip the light fantastic  in  the
opposite direction, who should be coming their way  but  the
Mummy!


CRANE     (feeling  slightly faint):  "This  just  isn't  my
          day!"


Lee leads Jim to the nearest air duct.


CRANE     (opening the grate):  "Hurry up!"

KIRK      (pointing):  "You want me to go in there!"

CRANE:    "Come on!  What are you waiting for?"

KIRK:     "Look,  Lee,  you go this way, and I'll  take  the
          turbolift and meet up with you later, okay?"   (He
          takes one step away.)

CRANE     (grabbing  Jim  by  the elbow):   "Get  up  there!
          Before I use a stun gun on ya!"

KIRK      (hefting himself up):  "O-kay-ay!  But I'm warnin'
          ya.   I  ate  a lotta cucumbers before we  crashed
          into  that  black star this morning.  I've  had  a
          belly-ache all day."


Crane works valiantly to get Kirk's ample stern through  the
narrow  opening, then gets himself in in the nick  of  time.
With  oxygen  levels  dropping  by  the  minute,  and  those
cucumbers  making  their way down Kirk's  digestive  system,
crawling  through  the claustrophobic  passageway  is  pure,
unadulterated  torture!   It seems  almost  an  exercise  in
insanity  to  keep  going.  But, keep going  they  do.   And
eventually, they reach the Missile Room.  Although the place
is  crowded  with crewmen, no one even bats an  eye  at  the
incoming Captains descending from a hole in the wall.   Then
Crane notices why.


CRANE     (standing with hands on hips):   "Chief!"

SHARKEY   (under his breath):  "Uh-oh!"  (Just about to roll
          the dice near the torpedo firing control panel, he
          looks  up  sheepishly):  "Uh . . .  Hiya, Skipper!
          D'you call me?"

CRANE:    "What's the meaning of this, Chief?"


Ensign  Chekov, and various Seaview crewmen in blue and  red
overalls break up the scene and try to look busy.  The Chief
and  Mr.  Scott  skulk  over to their respective  commanding
officers.


SCOTTY    (smiling  at Crane):  "Now, Laddie, it's not  what
          yer thinkin'!"

KIRK:     "Belay  that, Scotty.  I wanna hear Lee  bawl  out
          his CPO."

CRANE:    "Well, Chief?"

SHARKEY   (thinking   fast,  but  coming  up  empty):    "No
          explanation, sir."

CRANE     (nodding  in  disgust, and repeating in  the  same
          tone):  "'No explanation, sir.'"

SHARKEY   (looking guiltier than sin):  "Sorry, Skipper."

CRANE     (squinting):  "Chief, you're on report."

SHARKEY:  "Aye, sir."

KIRK:     "So are you, Mr. Scott!"

SCOTTY:   "But,  Captain, Francis here was only  showin'  me
          how tae--"

CRANE:    "There's no time for anymore talk!  Chief, I  want
          this  room cleared.  Now!  Captain Kirk and I have
          a lot of work to do."

KIRK:     "And  we don't want any nosy, know-it-all-non-coms
          looking over our shoulders!"

CRANE:    "That's  right!  Now move, Chief!  Get  these  men
          out  of  here,  then you and Scotty head  for  the
          Reactor  Room.  But don't go in until you  receive
          orders from the Admiral."

SHARKEY:  "Aye,  sir."   (Clapping his hands and  shouting):
          "All right you men, you heard the Skipper.  Out!"

CRANE:    "Chief!"

SHARKEY   (with  one  foot  on either side  of  the  hatch):
          "Sir?"

CRANE     (holding his palm out):  "The dice."


Chief  Sharkey tosses the dice to Crane, who places them  in
his pants pocket.  Within seconds, Lee and Jim are alone  in
the cavernous Missile Room.


KIRK:     "So  where's  this  famous  key  of  yours  that's
          supposed  to  open  'PASSFAIL', or  whatever  it's
          called?"

CRANE     (walking past the escape hatch toward the  panel):
          "'FAILSAFE', Jim."

KIRK:     "Like I said, whatever."

CRANE     (reaching under his shirt, he pulls out the  chain
          which  holds the key to their redemption--or  their
          doom):  "I still don't see how this is . . .  Whoo
          . . ."


Ravaged by the radiation poisoning, and weakened further  by
his  recent  noxious travail through the  ventilation  duct,
Crane leans against the wall for support.


KIRK      (taking  Crane  by the elbow):   "Gosh,  Lee,  you
          really are sick, aren't you?"

CRANE     (holding  his left side):  "My spleen's gonna  pop
          any second!"

KIRK:     "Yuk!"

CRANE:    "Either  that,  or  I'm gonna turn  into  the  Fly
          again.   I have this strange craving for milk  and
          rum all of a sudden."

KIRK      (grimacing):  "Why don't you do us all a favor and
          turn into Felix Leiter instead?"

CRANE:    "'Fraid  I  wouldn't be much use around here  with
          only one leg."

KIRK:     "Oh yeah.  The sequel."  (Grimacing again):  "That
          scene with the shark was really gross!"

CRANE:    "I  know.   That's  why I told  my  agent--no  more
          'Bond' flicks for this sailor!"

KIRK:     "That  reminds me, Lee.  I've always been  curious
          about something."

CRANE     (trying to stay conscious):  "Yes?"

KIRK:     "By any chance, do you have a portrait hanging  in
          your Conning Tower?"

CRANE:    "What are you talking about?"

KIRK:     "License to Kill came out in 1990, right?  But you
          looked  the  same  then as you  did  twenty  years
          earlier in Live and Let Die.  How come you  never-
          the-hell age!"

CRANE:    "Can  I  help it if I have good genes?"   (Feeling
          another  severe spasm of pain, he reaches for  his
          side, then slumps to the deck.)


At   that   precise  moment,  a  tall,  thin,   dark-haired,
strikingly  handsome  man, who looks, and  who  is  dressed,
exactly like Captain Lee Crane, emerges from the shadows  of
the  nuclear missile silos.  To make his presence known,  he
inhales and exhales heavily.


CRANE 2   (wearing  a snide and unctuous smirk):   "Does  it
          still hurt very much, Cap--"


Kirk annihilates him with his phaser.


CRANE:    "Nice  going!  But how'd you know he was up to  no
          good?"

KIRK      (reattaching his weapon to its Velcro  patch,  and
          helping Crane up):  "It's been my experience, Lee,
          that  whenever  anybody's double shows  up  acting
          that  smarmy, it's better to shoot first, and  ask
          questions later."

CRANE:    "Am I glad you did!"

KIRK:     "Who  was that, anyway, your evil counterpart from
          the 'Mirror, Mirror' universe?"

CRANE     (Unable  to  fathom  Kirk's queer  colloquialisms,
          Crane quits trying.  He pulls the metal chain over
          his  head, inserts his key into the waiting  slot,
          then  turns  it.  The protective cover over  panel
          number  3  gives way):  "Okay, Jim.   We've  gotta
          work  fast!   We have less than . . ."   (checking
          his wrist watch):   ". . . seven minutes to disarm
          these missiles."

KIRK:     "How  come  the  Admiral's so sure  they're  gonna
          blow?"

CRANE     (apologetically):   "You know.   The  writers  get
          tired;  the studio keeps slashing the budget;  the
          grips   go   on  strike.   There's  no  time   for
          continuity.  Same old story--forget the plot,  just
          keep the big-shots happy."

KIRK      (nodding):  "I hear ya."

KRUEGER:  "Unt I voot say zat iss a pretty poor ekscuse!"


Kirk and Crane turn at the sound of the familiar voice.


KRUEGER   (smiling):  "Hello, boyce!"


Crane  faints dead away at the sight of the undead  Krueger,
and  collapses in a heap.  He comes to a few minutes  later,
when Kirk waves some smelling salts under his nose.


KIRK:     "Lee, it's all right!  Krueger's a good-guy now!"

CRANE     (sitting up, but still woozy):  "What?"

KRUEGER   (kneeling):  "Zat's right, Crane.  I haf  reformt.
          Zat  sonic-beam machine really packs a vallop, let
          me tell you!"


With  Kirk  and  Krueger's help, Crane gets  to  a  standing
position.


CRANE:    "You mean, you're not here to take me away?"

KRUEGER:  "No.  I yam here to help you."

KIRK:     "Lee and I don't need your help, Krueger.  We have
          it  all  under  control.  So  just  go  ahead  and
          shuffle off to Buffalo."

KRUEGER:  "Za Bahamas, idiot!"

KIRK:     "Whatever."

KRUEGER   (eyeing Kirk with disdain):  "How dit a nincompoop
          like you ever get commant of a starship?"

KIRK:     "Hey!   I  thought  you  weren't  gonna  be   mean
          anymore!"

KRUEGER:  "Eef  you vere a crewman on my unterzeeboot,  Kirk
          (za  U-faw-faw-faw), I voot  not  trrrust  you  to
          empty  za  bilge  pumps  by yourself!"   (Noticing
          Crane  stifling a laugh):  "Unt you're no cheenius
          eeza, Crane!"


Lee loses his smile.


KRUEGER:  "All I dit vas change my clothes, part my hair  on
          za uzza zide, unt talk like Lawrence Velk, unt you
          did not rrrecognize me ven I came to see you again
          in 'Za Heat Monsta'."

CRANE:    "Was that you?"

KRUEGER:  "Indeet!"

CRANE:    "But you died in that episode!"

KRUEGER:  "Oh,  ja?   Listen, Crane, next time,  before  you
          bury  someone at sea so lickety-schplit, check  za
          guy's pulse first, vill you?"

CRANE     (shrugging):  "Sorry."

KRUEGER   (shuddering):  "My Got!  I vas so colt!   Een  zee
          Arctic yet he dumps me ovabort!"

KIRK      (growing   weary  of  not  being  the  center   of
          attention):   "Tell  us the  truth,  Krueger.   It
          couldn't  have been that sonic blast that  changed
          you.  What really did the trick?"

KRUEGER:  "Eet  vas  Lani.  You see, I saut I coot not  liff
          vizout   my  sourbrrraten.   Zat's  vhy  I  neetet
          Crane's  bottie--to go to za butcher for  me.   But
          Lani  sess she likes me betta as a ghost.   So,  I
          gif  her her vay at last.  Uzzavise, I never  hear
          za  ent  of  it.  You know vimin:  nak, nak,  nak!
          Zis  vay,  also, I von't track so much mut  in  za
          hut,  ja?  Besites, eet iss gettink too darn  hart
          to  keep  up  zis  akzent any  lonker.   Unt  unto
          eternity?    Forget  about  it!   But   you   know
          somesink,  Crane?  I sink you voot  haf  liked  my
          Lani.  Sheesh a goot kissa!  Unt she iss soooooooo
          beautiful!   She  saut  you  vas  prrretty   cute,
          yourself!  Ekzept for zat little bullet hole in za
          site, she gafe your bottie a sumps up."

CRANE     (blushing humbly):  "Really?"

KRUEGER:  "I vouldn't kit you."

KIRK      (noticing  steam coming from one  of  the  missile
          silos):  "Uh . . . Lee . . . Hadn't we better  get
          started on these missiles?"

CRANE     (waving his hand dismissively):  "Yeah yeah.  In a
          minute."   (Turning back to Krueger):  "What  else
          did she say about me, Captain?"

KRUEGER:  "Oh,  somesink  about  your haysal  ice  unt  your
          vayfee black hair."

KIRK      (fed up to here with the discussion of the ageless
          and adorable Captain Crane):  "Lee!"

CRANE     (glaring  at  Kirk):  "Will you stop  bugging  me!
          Can't  you see I'm talking to Krueger?"   (Turning
          back  once  again):  "Did Lani happen  to  mention
          anything about a rugged personality, Captain?"

KRUEGER:  "I  don't  sink so.  Say!  Vhy don't you  call  me
          Gerhardt, Lee?"

CRANE:    "All right . . . Gerhardt."

KIRK      (to himself):  "Oh brother!"

CRANE:    "Gerhardt,  will you please tell Lani  thanks  for
          me?  You know . . . for letting the Admiral know I
          was  on  that  creepy island.  It was  close,  but
          luckily, he managed to stuff me in the Flying  Sub
          right before the final credits started rolling."

KRUEGER:  "Sure  sink.   Unt now, Crane, before  I  take  my
          leaf,  I  vill  tell you vhy all  zese  strrrrange
          happeninks haf been happenink."


The  Seaview creaks; the lights flicker; the air pumps  pump
out the last remaining molecules of oxygen, then grind to  a
stop.


KRUEGER:  "Vhat  za HECK!"  (Looking upward):  "No time  for
          explanations, boyce!  All I can tell you  iss  zat
          Nelson's idea vill not verk.  For vunce, Kirk  iss
          right--za plan iss STINKO!  Looks like zee olt ret-
          het iss finally loosink eet."

CRANE     (raising  his  voice  to hysterical  proportions):
          "Then we've had it!"

KRUEGER:  "Cheepers-krrreepers, vhat a gloomy Gus."

CRANE     (still screaming, and now, pacing, too):  "I can't
          ba-LEEVE it's gonna end like this!"

KRUEGER:  "For Pete's sake, Crane, stop gettink yourself  in
          such  an  uproar!  Your schpleen  can't  take  it,
          Kitto!"

KIRK:     "Captain  Krueger, I thought you were  gonna  help
          us."

KRUEGER:  "My  powers are gone now, Chimmy.  But I vill  see
          vaht I can do.  Maybe I ask Flipper outsite to gif
          you  a  lift to za surface, hm?  After zat, you're
          on  your own.  But at least you vill haf air,  unt
          you can try callink za Enterprise for help."

CRANE:    "But  what  if  we still can't raise  Jim's  ship?
          What if we can't hold trim on the surface?"

KRUEGER   (placing his hand on Crane's shoulder):  "Zen,  my
          boy,  I'm  afrait  eet  vill  truly  be,  at  lonk
          last--voyage to za bottom of za sea!"


Krueger steps back.  His form begins to waver.  His distinct
features  gradually blur out of focus.   His  once  powerful
voice is reduced to a barely audible whisper.


KRUEGER:  "Goot luck, my frents, unt farevell  .  .  .  
          F   a   r   e   v    e    l    l  . . ."


With his eyes trained on the fading phantom, Lee Crane pulls
himself to attention, bends his right arm at the elbow,  and
brings his hand to his brow. The evanescent ghost of Captain
Gerhardt Krueger smiles gratefully, returns the salute, then
disappears from sight.


KIRK:     "I  guess he's headin' for that big U-boat in  the
          sky."


Seaview lurches and starts sliding backwards off the  ridge.
Doggedly,  Lee  Crane staggers over to the  Missile  Control
Panel  and  goes to work on disarming the missiles.   Sirens
blare  and warning lights flash as Seaview plunges  downward
yet  again--but at the last possible moment, the  fall stops
with a jarring thud.  The great whale has positioned himself
under  the  submarine, and begins to nudge  it  towards  the
surface.   Seaview's going up!  Courtesy of  Moby  Dick  and
Gerhardt  Krueger!   Far below, the bottom-dwelling  monster
waves its seaweedy arms and rolls its great globular eyes in
rage at being deprived of its toy. . . .

END OF ACT 2


Act 3

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Copyright 1997 Rachel Howe and Alison Passarelli