ACT 1

NELSON:   "Mr.  Spock, would you care to accompany me to  my
          laboratory?"

SPOCK     (left   brow  rising,  hands  behind  his   back):
          "Indeed I would, Admiral.  I am sure it will prove
          most  interesting.   I  am  anxious  to  see  your
          primitive computer."

NELSON    (smiling):   "It  may not be as primitive  as  you
          think.   Lee?   Why  don't you show  Captain  Kirk
          around  Seaview.  I'll bet he'd like  to  see  the
          Missile Room."

KIRK      (practically foaming at the mouth):  "You win that
          bet, Admiral!"

CRANE     (waving  toward the door with his  hand):   "Right
          this way, Captain."


En  route to the Missile Room, Crane and Kirk are thrown  to
the  deck  as  the Seaview is attacked by an unknown  force.
The  submarine  is  losing power and cannot  maintain  trim.
She's  going down to the bottom--8000 feet--twice below  crush
depth  (depending upon which season it is)!   Kirk  suggests
raising  shields.  Crane explains they DON'T HAVE ANY!   The
tour  over  before it's begun, Crane and Kirk hurry  to  the
Control Room.  On the way there . . .


KIRK:     "Say, Captain, speaking of trim trouble--"

CRANE:    "Yes, Captain?"

KIRK:     "How do you do it?"

CRANE:    "Well, we have ballast tanks on either side of the
          ship, and with rudder control  we--"

KIRK:     "No no no.  Not that kind of trim."

CRANE:    "I don't follow, Jimbo."

KIRK      (tapping Crane in the gut):  "You!  How the  devil
          do you stay so thin?"

CRANE:    "Oh."   (Grinning at the slightly  overweight  man
          from  the  future,  he says  in  a  kindly  tone):
          "Let's  just  say  I get hit on the  head  a  lot.
          Keeps the ol' appetite down."

KIRK:     "Funny.   Bonk-bonk on the head has  the  opposite
          effect on me.  Makes me hungry as a tribble!"

CRANE     (looking  slightly perplexed):  "Uh,  sure,  Kirk.
          Whatever you say."


The  two  men  enter  the Control Room.   Executive  Officer
Morton is standing behind Seaman Riley at Sonar.


MORTON:   "Contact dead ahead, sir."

CRANE:    "What is it, Chip?"

MORTON:   "I've  only seen a reading like this once  before,
          Lee."

CRANE     (studying  the screen):  "Oh shoot!  It's  Captain
          Krueger!   That body-snatcher's back  again!   And
          he's after my hide!"

KIRK:     "Captain  Krueger?  You mean that undead  guy  who
          once inhabited your body?"

CRANE:    "You  got  it, Kirk.  Hey!  Kirk!  That's  German,
          isn't  it?  Maybe he'd be more comfortable  inside
          you!  Why don't you talk to him?"

KIRK:     "No  can  do,  Captain.  I  once  had  this  crazy
          women's libber broad inhabiting my body.  Drove me
          nuts!  After that, I swore off co-habitating.  But
          lemme  talk to Spock.  He'll give Krueger a  mind-
          meld he'll never forget!  Know what I mean?"

CRANE:    "Not really, Captain."


Back  in  the laboratory, Spock looks at a strip of computer
output, and raises an eyebrow.


NELSON:   "Well?"

SPOCK:    "With  respect, Admiral, there appears  to  be  an
          error in your program."

NELSON:   "Are you sure you have that the right way up?"

SPOCK:    "Yes,  Admiral.   The figures appear  to  indicate
          that  your  vessel has been struck by  a  temporal
          anomaly, but that does not seem possible."

NELSON:   "After what's happened in the last hour or  so,  I
          wouldn't  be  in  too  much of  a  hurry  to  call
          anything impossible."

SPOCK:    "You  misapprehend, Admiral.  The  nature  of  the
          anomaly  points  to a disturbance  extending  some
          seventy years into your past.  I see no reason  to
          suppose  that  the arrival of the Enterprise  from
          the future could have had such an effect."

NELSON:   "Perhaps not . . . unless . . .  Let me see  those
          figures!"


Nelson grabs a pencil and scribbles furiously for a minute.


SPOCK     (studying what Nelson has written):  "Fascinating,
          Admiral.  You postulate that the temporal backwash
          of  our  arrival in this time zone  has  disturbed
          something from your own past."

NELSON    (looking  grim):  "Yes--something that  would  have
          been better left alone.  I don't know that any  of
          us  wants to go through all that again.  Krueger's
          supposed to be dead three times over!"

SPOCK:    "Ah,  Krueger--the phantom captain who covets  your
          Captain Crane's body."


Seaview  lurches,  and glassware cascades off  the  shelves.
Out   in   the   corridor,  crewmen  run  past  with   fire-
extinguishers   and  materials  for  shoring-up   bulkheads.
Seaview is still plunging steeply, out-of-control.


NELSON:   "And if we can't pull out of this dive soon, he'll
          be  able  to take his pick of any man aboard  when
          we're  all  dead!"  (He picks up the  microphone):
          "Control  Room, this is Nelson.  What's  happening
          up there?"

CRANE:    "Admiral, we've got company.  It's--"

NELSON:   "Captain  Krueger again.  Yes, I know!   How  long
          before you can blow ballast?"

CRANE:    "Mr. Scott thought he could see a way to free  the
          pumps in ten minutes, but that's still too slow."

KIRK:     "Pardon me for jumping in, Captain, but if  Scotty
          says ten minutes, you can bet your life he'll have
          it done in--"

SCOTTY    (from  Engineering):  "Captain Crane, we're  ready
          to activate these pumps of yours."

KIRK      (grinning):  "Less than five!"

CRANE:    "Blow all tanks.  Up bubble ten degrees!"

MORTON:   "Ten degrees up bubble.  Blow all ballast tanks."

CRANE:    "Thanks, Mr. Scott.  Can you lend a hand with  the
          reactor?"

SCOTTY:   "Och,  Captain,  I cannae promise a  miracle,  but
          I'll see what I can do."


With the ballast pumps working, Seaview's plunge slows,  and
the ship levels off barely a hundred feet above crush depth.
Unfortunately,  when they open the crash screens,  they  see
that Krueger's phantom U-boat is still hovering close by  in
the  murky  water.   Crane, Morton and Kirk  stare  out  the
Observation Nose window at the mysterious apparition.   Kirk
is  so  excited at seeing the battered World War I hulk,  he
starts singing "Over There".


CRANE     (still  gazing  at  the phantom  and  shaking  his
          head):  "Why can't this guy just leave me alone?"

MORTON    (watching  Crane  closely):  "I  hope  you're  not
          feeling an urge to sock me in the jaw again."

CRANE:    "For  the  thousandth time, Chip, that  wasn't  my
          right cross, it was Krueger's."

MORTON:   "I  know  that,  Lee.  You are still  Lee,  aren't
          you?"

KIRK      (trying  to be helpful):  "Queen to Queen's  Level
          3, gentlemen."


Crane  and Morton exchange what-on-earth-is-he-talking-about
glances.


KIRK:     "That's  a code my crew and I worked out for  just
          these kinds of situations.  You know how confusing
          all this Katra-sharing can be."


Crane asks Chip with his eyes to remove the visiting Skipper
from the Control Room.


MORTON:   "Say,   uh,  Captain  Kirk,  have  you  seen   our
          Circuitry  Room yet?  Lotta wires in there.   With
          Krueger   in   the  neighborhood,  I  can   almost
          guarantee one of the panels'll fall over.  Prob'ly
          on  some  unsuspecting, non-essential crewman  who
          never says anything anyway."

KIRK:     "Sounds like one of my Security people.  Their non-
          essential    molecules   are   constantly    being
          transported into oblivion."

MORTON:   "Uh-huh.  Sure.  So what about it, Captain?  Wanna
          take a look-see?"

KIRK:     "I  dunno,  Mr. Morton.  I'd like to  go  see  the
          place, but then again, I wouldn't want to miss any
          fireworks up here."

MORTON:   "Believe  me,  Captain, if you enjoy pyrotechnics,
          you'll  love the Circuitry Room.  And don't  worry
          about  missing anything.  We'll be back in  plenty
          of  time  to  see Admiral Nelson come gunning  for
          Lee."


With  that, they leave the Control Room.  Lee Crane swallows
half  a  bottle of aspirin, and wishes in vain for a bullet-
proof flight jacket.



Meanwhile, back in the Lab . . .


Now  that  the ship has leveled off, Nelson and  Spock  take
time out for a chess game.


SPOCK:    "I  believe  I'll  have your King  in  two  moves,
          Admiral."

NELSON:   "Oh  really?"  (Irish eyes smiling,  he  makes  an
          impossible-to-have-anticipated   move   with   his
          rook.)  "Check, Mr. Spock."

SPOCK:    "My compliments, Admiral."


Before  Nelson  can  respond, the  ubiquitous  and  menacing
Captain Krueger appears in the Lab.  (He materialized  first
in  Nelson's cabin, but no one was home, so he had to pop in
elsewhere.)


NELSON:   "Oh dear God, not again."

KRUEGER:  "Yes,  Aht-me-ral, I haf returnt.  Unt I haf  come
          back for Crane.  (You know us Chermans.  Vee don't
          gif  up  eeezy.)  Anyvay, Lani unt I  hat  a  lonk
          talk.   She sess, eef I don't make you shoot heem,
          I can haf heem.  Okee-dokee?"

SPOCK:    "Fascinating."

KRUEGER   (noticing  Spock for the first time):   "Unt  vhat
          haf  vee  here?  A Fulcan, eh?  You and zose  ears
          vouldn't haf lastet too lonk durink za Turd Reich,
          Meester!"

SPOCK     (cocking his brow):  "Nor would you and yours have
          flourished  during  the Fifth  Millennium  of  the
          Vulcan Tai-Chi and Backgammon Rebellion."

KRUEGER   (seething):   "Oh  ja!   Vell  let  me  tell   you
          somesink--"

NELSON    (shooting   daggers   at  Krueger):    "Gentlemen,
          please!"  (Sighing impatiently):  "Mr. Spock,  may
          I  present the ghost of Captain Gerhardt  Krueger,
          formerly  in the service of the Weimar  Republic?"
          (Spock  nods and Nelson continues):  "And  Captain
          Krueger,  this  is  my  guest  from  the   future,
          Commander Spock, currently in the service  of  the
          United Federation of Planets."

KRUEGER   (bowing  his  head in a courtly manner):   "I  yam
          honort.  Now, back to za matta at hant."

NELSON:   "For heaven's sake, Krueger!  Give it up!  Crane's
          body  is  busy!   And for your FYI,  Captain,  Lee
          doesn't smoke!  The poor fellow's been coughing up
          phlegm  ever  since your little escapade  in  that
          Night Club on the Island of Misfit Toys."

KRUEGER:  "Zat  ees too darn bat, Aht-me-ral.  Now get  heem
          up here!"

NELSON:   "Why you dirty, stinking--"

SPOCK:    "Admiral."    (Stepping  in  between  Nelson   and
          Krueger):  "If I may?"

NELSON    (utterly frustrated):  "Have at it, Mr. Spock."

SPOCK:    "Captain Krueger, your obsession with the body  of
          Lee  Crane is most illogical.  Indeed, your entire
          metaphysical philosophy regarding existence, i.e.,
          your  relentless  pursuit of  corporeal,  physical
          reality,  rather than spiritual, ethereal reality,
          which is in reality, real reality, seems to me  to
          be--"

KRUEGER   (blinking  rapidly):  "I don't know vhat  za  HECK
          you  are talkink about.  Unt I don't care!  I vant
          Crane's bottie, unt I vant it NOW!"


The  Seaview shudders, ruining a perfectly good chess  game,
not  to mention all sorts of neat specimens lying around the
Lab.   Once again, the titanium giant heads at an angle  for
the bottom of the sea!


In  the  Control Room, the Seaview begins to rock and  roll.
First left, then right.  Most crewmen go with the flow,  but
there  are the uncoordinated few who stumble starboard  when
they  should  be plunging port.  After endless seconds,  the
rocking ceases.  So does the deadly dive.  The Seaview holds
trim  at  50 feet above crush depth.  As Crane lifts himself
from  the  hard  deck,  he makes a mental  note:  Have  crew
practice falling in concert again.  Stu Riley to choreograph
moves.


CRANE     (giving  a helping hand to a dazed JTK--who's  just
          come  back  from  his excursion to  the  Circuitry
          Room):  "Sorry about that, Captain."

KIRK      (rubbing the back of his head):  "Man!  I  thought
          we  got tossed around on the Enterprise!  You guys
          do that all the time?"

CRANE:    "Believe me, when we signed our contracts, we  had
          no  idea  what  we  were in for.   Your  head  all
          right?"

KIRK      (checking  for  blood,  feels  only  a  large  and
          painful  lump):  "Yeah.  I'll live.  But Lee,  you
          gotta  get  yourself  a  chair,  Buddy!   Let  the
          flunkies go flying, not you.  That's how I  do  it
          on my ship."

CRANE:    "That's a thought."

KOWALSKI  (over  intercom):  "Skipper, this is  Kowalski  in
          Engineering."

CRANE     (picks up mike):  "What is it, Kowalski?"

KOWALSKI: "Sir,  you're not gonna believe this, but  I  just
          saw the Lobster Man in Corridor B."

CRANE:    "What!  How can that be?"

KOWALSKI: "Search  me, Skipper.  Do you want me to go  after
          him?"

CRANE     (sighing):   "I guess so.  How did we get  rid  of
          him the last time?"

KOWALSKI: "Gee,  Skipper,  I  don't remember.   That  was  a
          couple of seasons ago.  Why don't we just boil him
          and be done with it?"

CRANE:    "Good  thinking, Ski.  But I want you to  stay  in
          Engineering.   Let  Cooky and the  Kitchen  Police
          handle it.  Get them on the Lobster's tail, on the
          double."

KOWALSKI: "Aye-aye."

CRANE:    "And Kowalski?"

KOWALSKI: "Yes, Skipper?"

CRANE:    "Tell Cooky, extra butter for me."

KOWALSKI: "Yes, sir!"


Admiral  Nelson  comes  down  the  spiral  stairs  into  the
Observation Nose.


NELSON:   "Lee, what's our status?"

CRANE:    "No  further damage, Admiral.  But I can't account
          for what just happened."

NELSON:   "Mm.   Well I can.  Krueger came to see me in  the
          Lab."

CRANE     (breaking  into a sweat and backing gingerly  away
          from Nelson):  "Uh . . . Admiral . . . You haven't
          been  at  your safe in the last few minutes,  have
          you?"

NELSON:   "Relax,  Lee.   You're in no danger--for  the  time
          being.   Mr.  Spock took Krueger by  surprise  and
          incapacitated  him.   Used  something  called  the
          Vulcan  Nerve  Pinch.  Krueger  went  out  like  a
          light."

KIRK      (proudly):  "That's my boy."

CRANE:    "But Krueger's a ghost.  He has no nervous system.
          How could--"

NELSON    (impatiently):  "Look, I don't know how it worked.
          Just be glad it did.  Now here's what Spock and  I
          intend doing with Krueger."

PATTERSON (over  intercom):  "Skipper, this is Patterson  in
          the Reactor Room."

CRANE:    "Now   what?"   (Picking  up  mike):   "Go  ahead,
          Patterson."

PATTERSON:"Sir, either I'm losing my mind or . . ."

CRANE     (waiting and waiting):  "Or what, Patterson?"

PATTERSON:"Or  I  just  saw one of those icky  Menfish
          passing by the Reactor Room window."

CRANE     (closing   his  eyes  and  slumping  in  posture):
          "You're not losing your mind, Pat.  I'm  sure  you
          saw what you thought you saw."

PATTERSON:"But, sir, how--"

CRANE:    "I  don't  know, Patterson.  But I do  know  this.
          We're in trouble.  We need every man on this ship,
          on the ball and ready for action."

PATTERSON:"Aye, sir.   Shall I form a search party  and hunt
          that thing down, Skipper?"

CRANE:    "Yes.   But don't kill it.  Sedate it, put a  hook
          in  its  mouth, and use it as bait  to  catch  the
          Lobster Man."

PATTERSON:"Is he back, too, sir?"

CRANE:    "Get going, Patterson."

PATTERSON:"Yes, sir."

NELSON:   "What's  all  this  about  the  Lobster  Man   and
          Menfish?"

CRANE:    "Darned if I know, Admiral."

KIRK:     "Admiral Nelson, where's Mr. Spock now?"

NELSON:   "He's in the Lab with Captain Krueger.  He's mind-
          melding   with  him  as  we  speak,  trying   to--"
          (Gesturing with his hands, he sees his right is  a
          tad more hirsute than his left.  Neither Crane nor
          Kirk notices.)

CRANE:    "Something wrong, Admiral?"

NELSON    (putting his paw in his pocket):  "What?  Uh . . .
          No.  I just remembered something very important  I
          have to do."

CRANE:    "What?"

NELSON:   "Go to my quarters and take a nap."

CRANE:    "What!   Now!  In the middle of this crisis!   You
          can't!"

NELSON    (glaring  wild-eyed):  "Listen, Mister, when  they
          get  around to pinning five stars on your collar--"
          (he  pokes the collar for emphasis) "--you can tell
          me  what to do!  Until then, keep your suggestions
          to yourself!"

CRANE     (reeling   from  the  unreasonable  admonishment):
          "Admiral, what's gotten into you?"

NELSON:   "I  don't want to be disturbed for any reason.  Is
          that clear?"

CRANE     (clearly annoyed):  "Yessir.  Perfectly."


Harriman  Nelson  gives Crane and Kirk one last  dirty  look
each, then leaves the way he came, via the spiral stairs.


KIRK:     "Geeze!  What bug crawled up his a--"

SPOCK     (over  intercom):  "This is Mr. Spock calling  the
          Control Room.  Is Admiral Nelson there?"

CRANE     (mike in hand):  "No, Mr. Spock.  He's gone to his
          cabin and can't be disturbed."

SPOCK:    "Hmm.  That is most unfortunate.  For I need--"


Sounds of a struggle ensue.  Then silence until . . .


KRUEGER   (over   intercom):   "Captain   Crane?    Gerhardt
          Krueger here."

CRANE:    "Yikes!  I thought you were out like a light."

KRUEGER:  "Ja,   I   vas.    But  now,  I  yam   on   again.
          Permanently.  Unt if I vere you, Crane, I'd  start
          packink."

KIRK      (taking  the mike from a pale Crane):  "What  have
          you done with my First Officer, Krueger!"

KRUEGER:  "Ahhhh!   Captain  Kirk!  I lernt  all  about  you
          durink my mind-melt vit Spook."

KIRK:     "If you've killed him, I'll--"

KRUEGER:  "You'll vhat!  From vhat I gahzert, you are pretty
          much  a  bik sissy.  A disgrrrace to your  Cherman
          ancestors.  My descendant, Dr. Crater,  shoot  haf
          finished you off ven he hat za chance."

KIRK:     "Ah-HAH!   So the man who hung out with that  mop-
          headed,   salt-sucking,   shape-changing,    alien
          monster was your grandkid, huh?"

KRUEGER:  "Zat's right!"

KIRK:     "Well  that figures!  The guy was a total  weirdo!
          Fruity  as a nut-cake!  We shoulda dropped  a  net
          over  him!  And  ya know what else,  Krueger?   He
          couldn't speak the King's English, either!"

KRUEGER:  "You  are  taykink  a  bik  rrrisk,  Captain!    I
          sookjest--"

KIRK:     "Listen  here, Krueger.  Risk . . .  risk  is  our
          business!"

KRUEGER:  "You don't know za meanink of za vert!"

KIRK:     "I  know  it  better  than you,  Krueger.   You're
          nothing but a would-be tyrant, a half-baked  demi-
          god,  a small boy with a big boat.  You're  a  man
          without a body, Krueger; a head without a heart; a
          toe without a nail.  Therefore, it is you, Captain
          Krueger,   you,  who  are  a  disgrace   to   your
          ancestors.   In my eyes, Captain, you are  nothing
          more  than  a  minuscule  wart  on  the  butt   of
          humanity!"

KRUEGER:  "You  open  zat bik mouse of yours vun more  time,
          Kirk, unt I am go-ink to sent za Enterprise for  a
          flyink leap into za next galaxy!"

KIRK      (putting down the microphone, remarks):  "Charming
          fellow, isn't he?"

CRANE:    "You don't have to remind me!"

KIRK:     "Well, if talking doesn't work, we'll have to  try
          the direct approach.  I'm going down there to find
          out what happened to Spock."

CRANE     (checking his gun):  "I'm coming with you!"

MORTON    (looking  worried):  "Lee, are you sure  that's  a
          good idea?"

CRANE:    "Probably  not, but at this point  I  don't  think
          we've  got much to lose!  Hold the fort  up  here,
          will you?"


The  two Captains run up the spiral staircase.  Crane pauses
a  moment  to  listen to the strange snarling  and  smashing
noises  coming from Admiral Nelson's cabin, then shakes  his
head  and  hurries to catch up with Kirk, who has  run  into
trouble  with of patch a vicious jungle vegetation a  little
farther along the corridor.


KIRK      (unwinding a creeper from his neck):  "Do you have
          this much trouble all the time?"

CRANE:    "Not  all  at  once,  no.   I'll  go  back  for  a
          machete!"

KIRK      (pulling out his phaser and blasting the jungle to
          nothingness):  "Don't bother, it's under control."

CRANE:    "The  last time we had this much trouble was  when
          the  neutron  bomb started leaking  hallucinogens,
          and  I  don't think it was quite this  crazy  even
          then.  At least one of the hallucinations was that
          most  of  the crew disappeared, so it  wasn't  too
          crowded."


In  the  Laboratory, there is no sign of  Krueger's  phantom
form, but broken glass and chess-pieces lay everywhere,  and
something  huge, throbbing and shapeless is growing  in  the
big  specimen  tank.  They find Spock huddled in  a  corner,
clutching his head and rocking to and fro.


KIRK      (going  quickly  over to kneel down  beside  him):
          "Spock?   What  happened?   Where's  that   German
          spook?"

SPOCK     (still rocking, but opening one eye):  "Jim?"

KIRK      (worried):    "I'm   here,  Spock.    What's   the
          trouble?"

SPOCK:    "He's  here,  Jim--inside my head.  I  can  control
          him, but only barely."

KIRK:     "Hold on, my friend.  We'll find a way to get  rid
          of him."


Just  then, the Thing in the tank reaches a size which makes
the glass smash into a million pieces.  It comes bulging and
oozing  into  the room.  In the confusion, Spock  loses  his
concentration for a moment and his body springs to its feet,
sending Kirk flying.


KRUEGER   (speaking out of Spock's mouth, and contorting his
          face horribly in the process):  "Unt now, Crane, I
          vill haf you!"

CRANE     (backing  away,  crunching broken  glass):   "Why?
          What's wrong with the body you're wearing now?"

KRUEGER:  "It  iss already occupite, and za Fulcan vill  not
          stop strugglink!  It gifs me a headache."

CRANE     (pulling out his gun):  "I'll give you a lot  more
          than a headache in a moment!"

KIRK      (picking  himself  up):  "No,  Lee!   Don't  shoot
          him!"

CRANE     (treading in the ooze from the Thing, and  falling
          over):  "You got a better idea?"

KIRK:     "You betcha!"  (He grabs his phaser and sets it to
          stun.)


A  moment  later,  Spock's body crumples as the  phaser-beam
hits  him  in the chest.  He falls on top of Crane  and  the
Thing--which lets out a screech of pain and anger.   The  few
remaining  bits of intact glass in the room shatter  at  the
sound.


KIRK      (kneeling beside Spock's body and whipping out his
          communicator):  "Kirk to Enterprise!"

UHURA     (via   the   communicator):    "Enterprise   here,
          Captain.  How may we be of assistance?"

CRANE     (goggle-eyed):   "You have a GIRL  in  your  radio
          shack?!"

KIRK:     "Sure we do.  Come to think of it, you don't  have
          many  female crew members around here, do you?   I
          knew there was something missing!"

CRANE:    "We  don't  have any.  The Admiral tried  bringing
          his  secretary  along once, but that  didn't  work
          out."

KIRK:     "Too  bad.   Uhura, I need Bones down  here  right
          away!"

UHURA:    "Certainly, Captain."


While  they wait, Spock's body twitches, and Krueger  stands
up, leaving it lying there like a discarded suit.


KRUEGER   (looking  around at the chaos, and catching  sight
          of  the  shapeless monster now taking up half  the
          laboratory):   "I'm out of here!  But  I  vill  be
          back,   Crane,  ven  you  haf  sinks  more   under
          control."


The  Phantom  wavers out of existence just  as  Bones  McCoy
materializes in the transporter beam a couple of feet away.


McCOY     (testily):   "Jim, I'm a doctor,  not  a  janitor!
          What is this mess?"


Spock stirs and sits up.


SPOCK     (groggily):  "Thank you, Captain.  I believe he is
          gone now."

McCOY:    "Well you're all right, obviously.  So what  am  I
          doing here?"

KIRK:     "Sorry, Bones.  A minute ago things looked  a  lot
          worse."

CRANE     (struggling  up):   "You're a doctor?   Would  you
          mind having a look at Admiral Nelson?"

KIRK:     "I thought he didn't want to be disturbed."

CRANE:    "That  was a quarter of an hour ago, and he hardly
          ever  snaps  like  that unless  there's  something
          wrong  with him.  If he hasn't calmed down by  now
          he must be really sick."

McCOY:    "All right, I'll see what I can do."


As Crane leads Kirk, Spock and McCoy to the Admiral's cabin,
he is hailed by Chief Sharkey in the Missile Room.


CRANE:    "One  minute, gentlemen."  (Picking up the nearest
          bulkhead intercom):  "What is it, Chief?"

SHARKEY:  "Well, sir--"

CRANE:    "Wait.  Don't tell me.  You found some Fossil  Men
          in  the  torpedo tubes, right?  Or  maybe  Vincent
          Price just came in through the escape hatch."

SHARKEY:  "Uh,  no,  sir.  It's that crazy Russian kid  from
          the spaceship."


The men from the Enterprise exchange worried glances.


CRANE:    "What about him?"

SHARKEY:  "Skipper, I don't know about you, but I don't like
          the  idea  of this . . . this Russkie havin'  free
          run  of  the  ship.   He's  been  askin'  a  lotta
          questions  about classified stuff,  and  he  keeps
          runnin'  off  at the mouth about how great  Mother
          Russia  is.   As  a matter of fact, Skipper,  this
          clown  just told Ron, Phil, and some of the  other
          NEPS"   [[non-essential  personnel]]   "that   the
          Beatles weren't from Liverpool.  He said they were
          from  Leningrad!   Now you know me,  Skipper,  I'm
          strictly  a Perry Como man myself, but  when  this
          guy  calls John Lennon a Commie--well that's  goin'
          too  far!  Do I have your permission to belt  this
          weasel, sir?"

CRANE:    "Negative, Chief.  Just reassure the men that  all
          the  Beatles  were indeed English capitalists.   I
          believe Paul McCartney still owns half the Western
          world."

SHARKEY:  "That's what I thought, Skipper, but the kid  says
          he  knows more than we do, on account-a he's  from
          the future and everything."

KIRK:     "Lee, would you ask the Chief to put Chekov on the
          line please?"

CRANE:    "Chief?   Put the Russian kid on the  phone.   His
          Captain wants to speak to him."

SHARKEY:  "Aye, sir."  (Raising his voice across the Missile
          Room):   "Hey!  Check-off!  Get over here  on  the
          double!  Your boss wants ya."


Three seconds later . . .


CHEKOV:   "Yes, Keptin?"

KIRK:     "Ensign  Chekov,  I  want you to  do  two  things.
          First,  keep  your  big Russian  trap  shut!   And
          second,  follow  Chief  Sharkey's  orders  to  the
          letter.  Is that understood?"

CHEKOV:   "But Keptin--"

KIRK:     "Understood, Ensign?"

CHEKOV    (dejected):  "Yes, sair."

KIRK:     "Chief,  I don't think you'll have anymore trouble
          with  Chekov.  But if he gets on your nerves, feel
          free to clobber him."

SHARKEY:  "Okay, Captain Kirk.  Thanks!"

CRANE     (taking the mike from Kirk):  "Chief?"

SHARKEY:  "Sir?"

CRANE:    "Pass the word along to the rest of the crew to be
          on  the  lookout for the Lobster Man  and  one  of
          those Menfish from our second season.  We may have
          other  visitors  aboard as well.  So  issue  side-
          arms, and tell the men to stay alert!"

SHARKEY:  "Aye-aye, Skipper.  Sharkey, out."


As  Crane  and  the others turn left down  Corridor  D,  the
commanding  voice  of Commander Morton  blares  out  of  the
ship's speakers:


MORTON:   "Brace for collision!  Brace for collis--"


The  Seaview is battered by yet another phenomenon from  the
past.  When Crane finally gets to the Control Room, he  sees
the  smiling  face of Moby Dick winking at him  through  the
Observation Nose.


CRANE:    "Why did I ever join the Navy?"

MORTON:   "What, Lee?"

CRANE:    "Nothing.  Damage report, Chip."

MORTON:   "We're  dead  in the water, ten feet  above  crush
          depth.   Luckily, we rammed right  into  that  big
          rock again--you know, the one that keeps showing up
          everywhere  we  go.  Anyway, it stopped  our  nose
          dive,  and diverted us onto the edge of  a  ledge.
          But  I  don't know how long we'll stay  put.   Our
          stern's hanging over."

CRANE     (frowning):  "Anything else?"

MORTON:   "Yes.   For one thing, Mr. Scott had to  take  the
          reactor  off-line  to avoid  a  melt-down.   Also,
          something's  blocking communications.   We're  cut
          off from the rest of the world."


Kirk tests his communicator.  It's busted all right.


CRANE:    "Any more bad news?"

MORTON:   "'Fraid so.  We're getting strange reports  coming
          in  from  all  over  the ship.   Somehow,  Carroll
          O'Connor  got on board.  He's locked  himself  and
          three  crew-men  in  the  Crew's  Mess,  and  he's
          forcing   them,  at  flute-point,  to  sing   'The
          Minstrel Boy'."

CRANE     (rubbing his throbbing temples):  "Is that all?"

MORTON:   "No,  sir.   We have severe flooding in frames  34
          through  39, and 41 through 43.  We lose one  more
          bulkhead, Lee, and we'll never see home again."

CRANE:    "Any casualties?"

McCOY:    "Yes!  My lunch!  As in--about to heave it!"

KIRK:     "Can it, Bones."

MORTON    (looking  annoyed  at  the  interruption):    "Doc
          reports two men in critical condition, Lee."

KIRK:     "You  heard him, Doctor.  Now go find your way  to
          Sick Bay and make yourself useful."

McCOY:    "What about the Admiral?"

SPOCK:    "I shall tend to Admiral Nelson."

CRANE:    "I  don't  know, Mr. Spock.  Have you ever  had  a
          rabies shot?"

SPOCK     (placing his hands behind his back):  "Unnecessary
          in  my  case,  Captain, as Vulcans are  immune  to
          hydrophobia,  distemper,  kennel  cough,  and  hip
          displaysia."

CRANE:    "Really?"

SPOCK:    "Yes,   however,  as  a  hybrid,   I   am   highly
          susceptible to mumps, measles, chicken pox,  swamp
          fever, jungle rot, hookworm, strep throat, scarlet
          fever,  bubonic plague, hypothyroidism, and,  once
          every seven years, kissing disease."

McCOY     (lips  pursed):   "Did you have to  give  him  the
          whole encyclopedia, Spock?"

SPOCK:    "He asked, Doctor."

CRANE     (reaching  into his pocket):  "Here's the  key  to
          the Admiral's cabin.  Be careful, Mr. Spock."

SPOCK:    "That is always my intention, Captain."


Spock and McCoy leave the Control Room together--arguing.


MORTON    (wishing  he  was  in his favorite  bar  in  Santa
          Barbara right about now):  "It's looks like  we're
          done for, Lee.  I don't see any way out."

KIRK:     "There's  always a way out.  Have  you  tried  the
          Kobayashi Maru maneuver yet?"

CRANE     (ignoring Kirk and thinking of a plan at the  same
          time):  "The Flying Sub!"

MORTON:   "Lee, we can't launch.  We're on the bottom."

CRANE:    "That  never stopped us before.  Prepare FS-1  for
          immediate launch, Chip.  I'm taking her out."

KIRK:     "Oh goody!  Can I come?"

CRANE:    "Yes, Captain.  You can be my co-pilot."

KIRK      (folding his arms and stomping his foot):  "Forget
          it!  If I ain't the pilot, I ain't comin'!"

CRANE     (leveling  his  service  pistol  at  Kirk's   mid-
          section):  "What'd you say?"

KIRK      (raising his hands in submission):  "Lee . . . Pal
          .  .  .  Put  away the popgun, huh?   I  was  only
          kiddin'."

CRANE     (pointing  to  the  Flying  Sub  hatch  with   his
          weapon):  "Start marching!"

KIRK      (frowning  as he makes his way over):  "Boy.   You
          guys from the past have no sense of humor."


Buckled  into their seats, Crane and Kirk prepare  to  leave
the  Seaview  and head for the surface.  From  there,  Crane
will  take  the  Flying  Sub to the  upper  reaches  of  the
atmosphere,   to  an  altitude  of  some  100,000   feet--the
beginning  of  space  (the  final frontier)--and  attempt  to
signal  the orbiting, albeit crippled Enterprise  for  help.
However, without a heat shield, the FS-1 will burn up on its
descent back to the ocean.  So, unless the Enterprise  heeds
the  message  and beams the two men out of  there  in  time,
their characters will be instantly incinerated, fried  to  a
crisp,  and  forever  forgotten by even their  most  fanatic
fans.


KIRK      (looking  around in awe):  "This is really  neato!
          It's   a   whole  lot  better  than   our   clunky
          shuttlecraft."

CRANE:    "Glad you like it!  If you're good, maybe I'll let
          you take the wheel for a minute."

KIRK:     "You mean it?"

CRANE:    "Sure!"


But  as Crane flips the first switch, sparks shoot out  from
the  panel and burn his finger.  After that, the whole place
breaks  out in flames.  The two Captains barely escape  with
their  lives.   Kirk flies up the stairs first,  with  Crane
fast  on his heels.  A fire-detail runs over with gas  masks
and extinguishers to deal with the mess.


CRANE     (coughing):  "What the heck do we even  have  this
          thing for!  It's always on the fritz!"

KRUEGER:  "Vatch eet, Crane."

KIRK      (turning  around and waving the last of the  smoke
          away):  "Uh-oh."

KRUEGER   (motioning with his WWI pistol):  "Moof avay  from
          heem, Kirk."

KIRK      (standing  his ground):  "No.  Lee and  I  are  in
          this together."

KRUEGER:  "Okay.  Zen I shoot za bose of you."


Kirk  reconsiders, catapults himself over the heads of Crane
and  Krueger, ducks down on the far side of the Plot  Table,
closes his eyes, grabs his tail, and repeats to himself over
and over:  "I DO believe in spooks, I DO, I DO, I DO!"  When
that  doesn't help, he starts praying to Vaal.   The  entire
Control  Room  Watch  stares in silence  at  the  impossible
situation unfolding before their eyes.


KRUEGER   (now  that  he has everyone's attention):   "Zat's
          betta.  Now, Captain Crane, I haf come to make viz
          you  a  barkin.  Your life, for za lifes  of  your
          crew, unt your prrrecious unterzeeboot.  Unt, I'll
          even  fix  za Enterprise unt sent her on  her  vay
          home  to za future.  Vhat do you say, hm?   Sounts
          goot to me."

CRANE:    "Do   I  have  your  word  that  you'll  let   the
          Enterprise and the Seaview go?"

KRUEGER   (bowing):   "You haf my vert as an officer  unt  a
          gentleman."

KIRK      (from behind the table):  "Hah!  Big woo!"

KRUEGER   (looking  left):  "Shut up, Mister schmarty-pants,
          or  I  vill  tell your Muzza about all zose  durty
          alien  pin-ups  you  keep  hitten  in  your   chim
          locker!"

KIRK      (sinking even lower and whispering):  "Darn  those
          mind-melds."

KRUEGER   (once  again  focused on Crane):  "I  assure  you,
          Captain,  all  vill  be  as  eet  vas  before   za
          Enterprise arriv't.  Ekzept for you.   You  unt  I
          are headink for za Bahamas, Kit!"

CRANE     (nodding  in  defeat):  "All right,  Krueger,  I'm
          coming  with you.  Can I just say good-bye  to  my
          crew first?"

KRUEGER:  "Make  eet  fast,  Crane.  My U-boat  ees  double-
          parkt."

CRANE     (extending his hand to Chip Morton):  "Bye,  Chip.
          I'm  proud to have served with you. You're a  fine
          officer,  and  you've been an even  finer  friend.
          Too  bad  they  didn't put more of that  into  the
          scripts, huh?"

MORTON:   "Lee!  You're not going!"

CRANE     (smiling  weakly):  "Say good-bye to the  men  for
          me,  and  the  Admiral, and . . ."  (swallowing  a
          lump):  ". . . take care of my ship."

KIRK      (poking his head up):  "Hey!  That's my line!"

KRUEGER   (turning   furiously):   "All  right,  ZAT'S   IT!
          (Taking  dead aim at Kirk):  "I am go-ink  to  off
          zis pain een za neck vunce unt for all!"

CRANE     (putting  his  hand over the muzzle of  the  gun):
          "You gave me your word, Captain Krueger."

KRUEGER   (regaining control of himself and nodding):   "Unt
          I shall keep it.  Now let's go.  Lani gets mat eef
          I am late for dinna."


Crane takes a fateful step toward Krueger.


NELSON    (from the spiral stairs, in a perfectly calm  tone
          of voice):  "Hold it right there,  Lee--"


All  eyes turn to see the Admiral, who is holding a  strange
looking device in his hands.


NELSON:   "--you're not going anywhere.  But Krueger is."

KRUEGER:  "Vat iss dat sink?  I varn you, Aht-me-ral . . ."


Nelson  points the device at him and turns a knob.  A  high-
pitched  whine comes out of the fire-extinguisher nozzle  on
the  top,  and  Krueger freezes in the act of  reaching  for
Crane.  The sound gets louder, and everyone covers his ears.
After  a few seconds, Krueger vanishes with a 'TWANGGG'.   A
couple  of  panels explode at the other side of the  Control
Room,  and  Nelson hastily drops the device as it starts  to
give off smoke and sparks.

END OF ACT 1


Act 2

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Copyright 1997 Rachel Howe and Alison Passarelli