NELSON: "Mr. Spock, would you care to accompany me to my laboratory?" SPOCK (left brow rising, hands behind his back): "Indeed I would, Admiral. I am sure it will prove most interesting. I am anxious to see your primitive computer." NELSON (smiling): "It may not be as primitive as you think. Lee? Why don't you show Captain Kirk around Seaview. I'll bet he'd like to see the Missile Room." KIRK (practically foaming at the mouth): "You win that bet, Admiral!" CRANE (waving toward the door with his hand): "Right this way, Captain." En route to the Missile Room, Crane and Kirk are thrown to the deck as the Seaview is attacked by an unknown force. The submarine is losing power and cannot maintain trim. She's going down to the bottom--8000 feet--twice below crush depth (depending upon which season it is)! Kirk suggests raising shields. Crane explains they DON'T HAVE ANY! The tour over before it's begun, Crane and Kirk hurry to the Control Room. On the way there . . . KIRK: "Say, Captain, speaking of trim trouble--" CRANE: "Yes, Captain?" KIRK: "How do you do it?" CRANE: "Well, we have ballast tanks on either side of the ship, and with rudder control we--" KIRK: "No no no. Not that kind of trim." CRANE: "I don't follow, Jimbo." KIRK (tapping Crane in the gut): "You! How the devil do you stay so thin?" CRANE: "Oh." (Grinning at the slightly overweight man from the future, he says in a kindly tone): "Let's just say I get hit on the head a lot. Keeps the ol' appetite down." KIRK: "Funny. Bonk-bonk on the head has the opposite effect on me. Makes me hungry as a tribble!" CRANE (looking slightly perplexed): "Uh, sure, Kirk. Whatever you say." The two men enter the Control Room. Executive Officer Morton is standing behind Seaman Riley at Sonar. MORTON: "Contact dead ahead, sir." CRANE: "What is it, Chip?" MORTON: "I've only seen a reading like this once before, Lee." CRANE (studying the screen): "Oh shoot! It's Captain Krueger! That body-snatcher's back again! And he's after my hide!" KIRK: "Captain Krueger? You mean that undead guy who once inhabited your body?" CRANE: "You got it, Kirk. Hey! Kirk! That's German, isn't it? Maybe he'd be more comfortable inside you! Why don't you talk to him?" KIRK: "No can do, Captain. I once had this crazy women's libber broad inhabiting my body. Drove me nuts! After that, I swore off co-habitating. But lemme talk to Spock. He'll give Krueger a mind- meld he'll never forget! Know what I mean?" CRANE: "Not really, Captain." Back in the laboratory, Spock looks at a strip of computer output, and raises an eyebrow. NELSON: "Well?" SPOCK: "With respect, Admiral, there appears to be an error in your program." NELSON: "Are you sure you have that the right way up?" SPOCK: "Yes, Admiral. The figures appear to indicate that your vessel has been struck by a temporal anomaly, but that does not seem possible." NELSON: "After what's happened in the last hour or so, I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to call anything impossible." SPOCK: "You misapprehend, Admiral. The nature of the anomaly points to a disturbance extending some seventy years into your past. I see no reason to suppose that the arrival of the Enterprise from the future could have had such an effect." NELSON: "Perhaps not . . . unless . . . Let me see those figures!" Nelson grabs a pencil and scribbles furiously for a minute. SPOCK (studying what Nelson has written): "Fascinating, Admiral. You postulate that the temporal backwash of our arrival in this time zone has disturbed something from your own past." NELSON (looking grim): "Yes--something that would have been better left alone. I don't know that any of us wants to go through all that again. Krueger's supposed to be dead three times over!" SPOCK: "Ah, Krueger--the phantom captain who covets your Captain Crane's body." Seaview lurches, and glassware cascades off the shelves. Out in the corridor, crewmen run past with fire- extinguishers and materials for shoring-up bulkheads. Seaview is still plunging steeply, out-of-control. NELSON: "And if we can't pull out of this dive soon, he'll be able to take his pick of any man aboard when we're all dead!" (He picks up the microphone): "Control Room, this is Nelson. What's happening up there?" CRANE: "Admiral, we've got company. It's--" NELSON: "Captain Krueger again. Yes, I know! How long before you can blow ballast?" CRANE: "Mr. Scott thought he could see a way to free the pumps in ten minutes, but that's still too slow." KIRK: "Pardon me for jumping in, Captain, but if Scotty says ten minutes, you can bet your life he'll have it done in--" SCOTTY (from Engineering): "Captain Crane, we're ready to activate these pumps of yours." KIRK (grinning): "Less than five!" CRANE: "Blow all tanks. Up bubble ten degrees!" MORTON: "Ten degrees up bubble. Blow all ballast tanks." CRANE: "Thanks, Mr. Scott. Can you lend a hand with the reactor?" SCOTTY: "Och, Captain, I cannae promise a miracle, but I'll see what I can do." With the ballast pumps working, Seaview's plunge slows, and the ship levels off barely a hundred feet above crush depth. Unfortunately, when they open the crash screens, they see that Krueger's phantom U-boat is still hovering close by in the murky water. Crane, Morton and Kirk stare out the Observation Nose window at the mysterious apparition. Kirk is so excited at seeing the battered World War I hulk, he starts singing "Over There". CRANE (still gazing at the phantom and shaking his head): "Why can't this guy just leave me alone?" MORTON (watching Crane closely): "I hope you're not feeling an urge to sock me in the jaw again." CRANE: "For the thousandth time, Chip, that wasn't my right cross, it was Krueger's." MORTON: "I know that, Lee. You are still Lee, aren't you?" KIRK (trying to be helpful): "Queen to Queen's Level 3, gentlemen." Crane and Morton exchange what-on-earth-is-he-talking-about glances. KIRK: "That's a code my crew and I worked out for just these kinds of situations. You know how confusing all this Katra-sharing can be." Crane asks Chip with his eyes to remove the visiting Skipper from the Control Room. MORTON: "Say, uh, Captain Kirk, have you seen our Circuitry Room yet? Lotta wires in there. With Krueger in the neighborhood, I can almost guarantee one of the panels'll fall over. Prob'ly on some unsuspecting, non-essential crewman who never says anything anyway." KIRK: "Sounds like one of my Security people. Their non- essential molecules are constantly being transported into oblivion." MORTON: "Uh-huh. Sure. So what about it, Captain? Wanna take a look-see?" KIRK: "I dunno, Mr. Morton. I'd like to go see the place, but then again, I wouldn't want to miss any fireworks up here." MORTON: "Believe me, Captain, if you enjoy pyrotechnics, you'll love the Circuitry Room. And don't worry about missing anything. We'll be back in plenty of time to see Admiral Nelson come gunning for Lee." With that, they leave the Control Room. Lee Crane swallows half a bottle of aspirin, and wishes in vain for a bullet- proof flight jacket. Meanwhile, back in the Lab . . . Now that the ship has leveled off, Nelson and Spock take time out for a chess game. SPOCK: "I believe I'll have your King in two moves, Admiral." NELSON: "Oh really?" (Irish eyes smiling, he makes an impossible-to-have-anticipated move with his rook.) "Check, Mr. Spock." SPOCK: "My compliments, Admiral." Before Nelson can respond, the ubiquitous and menacing Captain Krueger appears in the Lab. (He materialized first in Nelson's cabin, but no one was home, so he had to pop in elsewhere.) NELSON: "Oh dear God, not again." KRUEGER: "Yes, Aht-me-ral, I haf returnt. Unt I haf come back for Crane. (You know us Chermans. Vee don't gif up eeezy.) Anyvay, Lani unt I hat a lonk talk. She sess, eef I don't make you shoot heem, I can haf heem. Okee-dokee?" SPOCK: "Fascinating." KRUEGER (noticing Spock for the first time): "Unt vhat haf vee here? A Fulcan, eh? You and zose ears vouldn't haf lastet too lonk durink za Turd Reich, Meester!" SPOCK (cocking his brow): "Nor would you and yours have flourished during the Fifth Millennium of the Vulcan Tai-Chi and Backgammon Rebellion." KRUEGER (seething): "Oh ja! Vell let me tell you somesink--" NELSON (shooting daggers at Krueger): "Gentlemen, please!" (Sighing impatiently): "Mr. Spock, may I present the ghost of Captain Gerhardt Krueger, formerly in the service of the Weimar Republic?" (Spock nods and Nelson continues): "And Captain Krueger, this is my guest from the future, Commander Spock, currently in the service of the United Federation of Planets." KRUEGER (bowing his head in a courtly manner): "I yam honort. Now, back to za matta at hant." NELSON: "For heaven's sake, Krueger! Give it up! Crane's body is busy! And for your FYI, Captain, Lee doesn't smoke! The poor fellow's been coughing up phlegm ever since your little escapade in that Night Club on the Island of Misfit Toys." KRUEGER: "Zat ees too darn bat, Aht-me-ral. Now get heem up here!" NELSON: "Why you dirty, stinking--" SPOCK: "Admiral." (Stepping in between Nelson and Krueger): "If I may?" NELSON (utterly frustrated): "Have at it, Mr. Spock." SPOCK: "Captain Krueger, your obsession with the body of Lee Crane is most illogical. Indeed, your entire metaphysical philosophy regarding existence, i.e., your relentless pursuit of corporeal, physical reality, rather than spiritual, ethereal reality, which is in reality, real reality, seems to me to be--" KRUEGER (blinking rapidly): "I don't know vhat za HECK you are talkink about. Unt I don't care! I vant Crane's bottie, unt I vant it NOW!" The Seaview shudders, ruining a perfectly good chess game, not to mention all sorts of neat specimens lying around the Lab. Once again, the titanium giant heads at an angle for the bottom of the sea! In the Control Room, the Seaview begins to rock and roll. First left, then right. Most crewmen go with the flow, but there are the uncoordinated few who stumble starboard when they should be plunging port. After endless seconds, the rocking ceases. So does the deadly dive. The Seaview holds trim at 50 feet above crush depth. As Crane lifts himself from the hard deck, he makes a mental note: Have crew practice falling in concert again. Stu Riley to choreograph moves. CRANE (giving a helping hand to a dazed JTK--who's just come back from his excursion to the Circuitry Room): "Sorry about that, Captain." KIRK (rubbing the back of his head): "Man! I thought we got tossed around on the Enterprise! You guys do that all the time?" CRANE: "Believe me, when we signed our contracts, we had no idea what we were in for. Your head all right?" KIRK (checking for blood, feels only a large and painful lump): "Yeah. I'll live. But Lee, you gotta get yourself a chair, Buddy! Let the flunkies go flying, not you. That's how I do it on my ship." CRANE: "That's a thought." KOWALSKI (over intercom): "Skipper, this is Kowalski in Engineering." CRANE (picks up mike): "What is it, Kowalski?" KOWALSKI: "Sir, you're not gonna believe this, but I just saw the Lobster Man in Corridor B." CRANE: "What! How can that be?" KOWALSKI: "Search me, Skipper. Do you want me to go after him?" CRANE (sighing): "I guess so. How did we get rid of him the last time?" KOWALSKI: "Gee, Skipper, I don't remember. That was a couple of seasons ago. Why don't we just boil him and be done with it?" CRANE: "Good thinking, Ski. But I want you to stay in Engineering. Let Cooky and the Kitchen Police handle it. Get them on the Lobster's tail, on the double." KOWALSKI: "Aye-aye." CRANE: "And Kowalski?" KOWALSKI: "Yes, Skipper?" CRANE: "Tell Cooky, extra butter for me." KOWALSKI: "Yes, sir!" Admiral Nelson comes down the spiral stairs into the Observation Nose. NELSON: "Lee, what's our status?" CRANE: "No further damage, Admiral. But I can't account for what just happened." NELSON: "Mm. Well I can. Krueger came to see me in the Lab." CRANE (breaking into a sweat and backing gingerly away from Nelson): "Uh . . . Admiral . . . You haven't been at your safe in the last few minutes, have you?" NELSON: "Relax, Lee. You're in no danger--for the time being. Mr. Spock took Krueger by surprise and incapacitated him. Used something called the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Krueger went out like a light." KIRK (proudly): "That's my boy." CRANE: "But Krueger's a ghost. He has no nervous system. How could--" NELSON (impatiently): "Look, I don't know how it worked. Just be glad it did. Now here's what Spock and I intend doing with Krueger." PATTERSON (over intercom): "Skipper, this is Patterson in the Reactor Room." CRANE: "Now what?" (Picking up mike): "Go ahead, Patterson." PATTERSON:"Sir, either I'm losing my mind or . . ." CRANE (waiting and waiting): "Or what, Patterson?" PATTERSON:"Or I just saw one of those icky Menfish passing by the Reactor Room window." CRANE (closing his eyes and slumping in posture): "You're not losing your mind, Pat. I'm sure you saw what you thought you saw." PATTERSON:"But, sir, how--" CRANE: "I don't know, Patterson. But I do know this. We're in trouble. We need every man on this ship, on the ball and ready for action." PATTERSON:"Aye, sir. Shall I form a search party and hunt that thing down, Skipper?" CRANE: "Yes. But don't kill it. Sedate it, put a hook in its mouth, and use it as bait to catch the Lobster Man." PATTERSON:"Is he back, too, sir?" CRANE: "Get going, Patterson." PATTERSON:"Yes, sir." NELSON: "What's all this about the Lobster Man and Menfish?" CRANE: "Darned if I know, Admiral." KIRK: "Admiral Nelson, where's Mr. Spock now?" NELSON: "He's in the Lab with Captain Krueger. He's mind- melding with him as we speak, trying to--" (Gesturing with his hands, he sees his right is a tad more hirsute than his left. Neither Crane nor Kirk notices.) CRANE: "Something wrong, Admiral?" NELSON (putting his paw in his pocket): "What? Uh . . . No. I just remembered something very important I have to do." CRANE: "What?" NELSON: "Go to my quarters and take a nap." CRANE: "What! Now! In the middle of this crisis! You can't!" NELSON (glaring wild-eyed): "Listen, Mister, when they get around to pinning five stars on your collar--" (he pokes the collar for emphasis) "--you can tell me what to do! Until then, keep your suggestions to yourself!" CRANE (reeling from the unreasonable admonishment): "Admiral, what's gotten into you?" NELSON: "I don't want to be disturbed for any reason. Is that clear?" CRANE (clearly annoyed): "Yessir. Perfectly." Harriman Nelson gives Crane and Kirk one last dirty look each, then leaves the way he came, via the spiral stairs. KIRK: "Geeze! What bug crawled up his a--" SPOCK (over intercom): "This is Mr. Spock calling the Control Room. Is Admiral Nelson there?" CRANE (mike in hand): "No, Mr. Spock. He's gone to his cabin and can't be disturbed." SPOCK: "Hmm. That is most unfortunate. For I need--" Sounds of a struggle ensue. Then silence until . . . KRUEGER (over intercom): "Captain Crane? Gerhardt Krueger here." CRANE: "Yikes! I thought you were out like a light." KRUEGER: "Ja, I vas. But now, I yam on again. Permanently. Unt if I vere you, Crane, I'd start packink." KIRK (taking the mike from a pale Crane): "What have you done with my First Officer, Krueger!" KRUEGER: "Ahhhh! Captain Kirk! I lernt all about you durink my mind-melt vit Spook." KIRK: "If you've killed him, I'll--" KRUEGER: "You'll vhat! From vhat I gahzert, you are pretty much a bik sissy. A disgrrrace to your Cherman ancestors. My descendant, Dr. Crater, shoot haf finished you off ven he hat za chance." KIRK: "Ah-HAH! So the man who hung out with that mop- headed, salt-sucking, shape-changing, alien monster was your grandkid, huh?" KRUEGER: "Zat's right!" KIRK: "Well that figures! The guy was a total weirdo! Fruity as a nut-cake! We shoulda dropped a net over him! And ya know what else, Krueger? He couldn't speak the King's English, either!" KRUEGER: "You are taykink a bik rrrisk, Captain! I sookjest--" KIRK: "Listen here, Krueger. Risk . . . risk is our business!" KRUEGER: "You don't know za meanink of za vert!" KIRK: "I know it better than you, Krueger. You're nothing but a would-be tyrant, a half-baked demi- god, a small boy with a big boat. You're a man without a body, Krueger; a head without a heart; a toe without a nail. Therefore, it is you, Captain Krueger, you, who are a disgrace to your ancestors. In my eyes, Captain, you are nothing more than a minuscule wart on the butt of humanity!" KRUEGER: "You open zat bik mouse of yours vun more time, Kirk, unt I am go-ink to sent za Enterprise for a flyink leap into za next galaxy!" KIRK (putting down the microphone, remarks): "Charming fellow, isn't he?" CRANE: "You don't have to remind me!" KIRK: "Well, if talking doesn't work, we'll have to try the direct approach. I'm going down there to find out what happened to Spock." CRANE (checking his gun): "I'm coming with you!" MORTON (looking worried): "Lee, are you sure that's a good idea?" CRANE: "Probably not, but at this point I don't think we've got much to lose! Hold the fort up here, will you?" The two Captains run up the spiral staircase. Crane pauses a moment to listen to the strange snarling and smashing noises coming from Admiral Nelson's cabin, then shakes his head and hurries to catch up with Kirk, who has run into trouble with of patch a vicious jungle vegetation a little farther along the corridor. KIRK (unwinding a creeper from his neck): "Do you have this much trouble all the time?" CRANE: "Not all at once, no. I'll go back for a machete!" KIRK (pulling out his phaser and blasting the jungle to nothingness): "Don't bother, it's under control." CRANE: "The last time we had this much trouble was when the neutron bomb started leaking hallucinogens, and I don't think it was quite this crazy even then. At least one of the hallucinations was that most of the crew disappeared, so it wasn't too crowded." In the Laboratory, there is no sign of Krueger's phantom form, but broken glass and chess-pieces lay everywhere, and something huge, throbbing and shapeless is growing in the big specimen tank. They find Spock huddled in a corner, clutching his head and rocking to and fro. KIRK (going quickly over to kneel down beside him): "Spock? What happened? Where's that German spook?" SPOCK (still rocking, but opening one eye): "Jim?" KIRK (worried): "I'm here, Spock. What's the trouble?" SPOCK: "He's here, Jim--inside my head. I can control him, but only barely." KIRK: "Hold on, my friend. We'll find a way to get rid of him." Just then, the Thing in the tank reaches a size which makes the glass smash into a million pieces. It comes bulging and oozing into the room. In the confusion, Spock loses his concentration for a moment and his body springs to its feet, sending Kirk flying. KRUEGER (speaking out of Spock's mouth, and contorting his face horribly in the process): "Unt now, Crane, I vill haf you!" CRANE (backing away, crunching broken glass): "Why? What's wrong with the body you're wearing now?" KRUEGER: "It iss already occupite, and za Fulcan vill not stop strugglink! It gifs me a headache." CRANE (pulling out his gun): "I'll give you a lot more than a headache in a moment!" KIRK (picking himself up): "No, Lee! Don't shoot him!" CRANE (treading in the ooze from the Thing, and falling over): "You got a better idea?" KIRK: "You betcha!" (He grabs his phaser and sets it to stun.) A moment later, Spock's body crumples as the phaser-beam hits him in the chest. He falls on top of Crane and the Thing--which lets out a screech of pain and anger. The few remaining bits of intact glass in the room shatter at the sound. KIRK (kneeling beside Spock's body and whipping out his communicator): "Kirk to Enterprise!" UHURA (via the communicator): "Enterprise here, Captain. How may we be of assistance?" CRANE (goggle-eyed): "You have a GIRL in your radio shack?!" KIRK: "Sure we do. Come to think of it, you don't have many female crew members around here, do you? I knew there was something missing!" CRANE: "We don't have any. The Admiral tried bringing his secretary along once, but that didn't work out." KIRK: "Too bad. Uhura, I need Bones down here right away!" UHURA: "Certainly, Captain." While they wait, Spock's body twitches, and Krueger stands up, leaving it lying there like a discarded suit. KRUEGER (looking around at the chaos, and catching sight of the shapeless monster now taking up half the laboratory): "I'm out of here! But I vill be back, Crane, ven you haf sinks more under control." The Phantom wavers out of existence just as Bones McCoy materializes in the transporter beam a couple of feet away. McCOY (testily): "Jim, I'm a doctor, not a janitor! What is this mess?" Spock stirs and sits up. SPOCK (groggily): "Thank you, Captain. I believe he is gone now." McCOY: "Well you're all right, obviously. So what am I doing here?" KIRK: "Sorry, Bones. A minute ago things looked a lot worse." CRANE (struggling up): "You're a doctor? Would you mind having a look at Admiral Nelson?" KIRK: "I thought he didn't want to be disturbed." CRANE: "That was a quarter of an hour ago, and he hardly ever snaps like that unless there's something wrong with him. If he hasn't calmed down by now he must be really sick." McCOY: "All right, I'll see what I can do." As Crane leads Kirk, Spock and McCoy to the Admiral's cabin, he is hailed by Chief Sharkey in the Missile Room. CRANE: "One minute, gentlemen." (Picking up the nearest bulkhead intercom): "What is it, Chief?" SHARKEY: "Well, sir--" CRANE: "Wait. Don't tell me. You found some Fossil Men in the torpedo tubes, right? Or maybe Vincent Price just came in through the escape hatch." SHARKEY: "Uh, no, sir. It's that crazy Russian kid from the spaceship." The men from the Enterprise exchange worried glances. CRANE: "What about him?" SHARKEY: "Skipper, I don't know about you, but I don't like the idea of this . . . this Russkie havin' free run of the ship. He's been askin' a lotta questions about classified stuff, and he keeps runnin' off at the mouth about how great Mother Russia is. As a matter of fact, Skipper, this clown just told Ron, Phil, and some of the other NEPS" [[non-essential personnel]] "that the Beatles weren't from Liverpool. He said they were from Leningrad! Now you know me, Skipper, I'm strictly a Perry Como man myself, but when this guy calls John Lennon a Commie--well that's goin' too far! Do I have your permission to belt this weasel, sir?" CRANE: "Negative, Chief. Just reassure the men that all the Beatles were indeed English capitalists. I believe Paul McCartney still owns half the Western world." SHARKEY: "That's what I thought, Skipper, but the kid says he knows more than we do, on account-a he's from the future and everything." KIRK: "Lee, would you ask the Chief to put Chekov on the line please?" CRANE: "Chief? Put the Russian kid on the phone. His Captain wants to speak to him." SHARKEY: "Aye, sir." (Raising his voice across the Missile Room): "Hey! Check-off! Get over here on the double! Your boss wants ya." Three seconds later . . . CHEKOV: "Yes, Keptin?" KIRK: "Ensign Chekov, I want you to do two things. First, keep your big Russian trap shut! And second, follow Chief Sharkey's orders to the letter. Is that understood?" CHEKOV: "But Keptin--" KIRK: "Understood, Ensign?" CHEKOV (dejected): "Yes, sair." KIRK: "Chief, I don't think you'll have anymore trouble with Chekov. But if he gets on your nerves, feel free to clobber him." SHARKEY: "Okay, Captain Kirk. Thanks!" CRANE (taking the mike from Kirk): "Chief?" SHARKEY: "Sir?" CRANE: "Pass the word along to the rest of the crew to be on the lookout for the Lobster Man and one of those Menfish from our second season. We may have other visitors aboard as well. So issue side- arms, and tell the men to stay alert!" SHARKEY: "Aye-aye, Skipper. Sharkey, out." As Crane and the others turn left down Corridor D, the commanding voice of Commander Morton blares out of the ship's speakers: MORTON: "Brace for collision! Brace for collis--" The Seaview is battered by yet another phenomenon from the past. When Crane finally gets to the Control Room, he sees the smiling face of Moby Dick winking at him through the Observation Nose. CRANE: "Why did I ever join the Navy?" MORTON: "What, Lee?" CRANE: "Nothing. Damage report, Chip." MORTON: "We're dead in the water, ten feet above crush depth. Luckily, we rammed right into that big rock again--you know, the one that keeps showing up everywhere we go. Anyway, it stopped our nose dive, and diverted us onto the edge of a ledge. But I don't know how long we'll stay put. Our stern's hanging over." CRANE (frowning): "Anything else?" MORTON: "Yes. For one thing, Mr. Scott had to take the reactor off-line to avoid a melt-down. Also, something's blocking communications. We're cut off from the rest of the world." Kirk tests his communicator. It's busted all right. CRANE: "Any more bad news?" MORTON: "'Fraid so. We're getting strange reports coming in from all over the ship. Somehow, Carroll O'Connor got on board. He's locked himself and three crew-men in the Crew's Mess, and he's forcing them, at flute-point, to sing 'The Minstrel Boy'." CRANE (rubbing his throbbing temples): "Is that all?" MORTON: "No, sir. We have severe flooding in frames 34 through 39, and 41 through 43. We lose one more bulkhead, Lee, and we'll never see home again." CRANE: "Any casualties?" McCOY: "Yes! My lunch! As in--about to heave it!" KIRK: "Can it, Bones." MORTON (looking annoyed at the interruption): "Doc reports two men in critical condition, Lee." KIRK: "You heard him, Doctor. Now go find your way to Sick Bay and make yourself useful." McCOY: "What about the Admiral?" SPOCK: "I shall tend to Admiral Nelson." CRANE: "I don't know, Mr. Spock. Have you ever had a rabies shot?" SPOCK (placing his hands behind his back): "Unnecessary in my case, Captain, as Vulcans are immune to hydrophobia, distemper, kennel cough, and hip displaysia." CRANE: "Really?" SPOCK: "Yes, however, as a hybrid, I am highly susceptible to mumps, measles, chicken pox, swamp fever, jungle rot, hookworm, strep throat, scarlet fever, bubonic plague, hypothyroidism, and, once every seven years, kissing disease." McCOY (lips pursed): "Did you have to give him the whole encyclopedia, Spock?" SPOCK: "He asked, Doctor." CRANE (reaching into his pocket): "Here's the key to the Admiral's cabin. Be careful, Mr. Spock." SPOCK: "That is always my intention, Captain." Spock and McCoy leave the Control Room together--arguing. MORTON (wishing he was in his favorite bar in Santa Barbara right about now): "It's looks like we're done for, Lee. I don't see any way out." KIRK: "There's always a way out. Have you tried the Kobayashi Maru maneuver yet?" CRANE (ignoring Kirk and thinking of a plan at the same time): "The Flying Sub!" MORTON: "Lee, we can't launch. We're on the bottom." CRANE: "That never stopped us before. Prepare FS-1 for immediate launch, Chip. I'm taking her out." KIRK: "Oh goody! Can I come?" CRANE: "Yes, Captain. You can be my co-pilot." KIRK (folding his arms and stomping his foot): "Forget it! If I ain't the pilot, I ain't comin'!" CRANE (leveling his service pistol at Kirk's mid- section): "What'd you say?" KIRK (raising his hands in submission): "Lee . . . Pal . . . Put away the popgun, huh? I was only kiddin'." CRANE (pointing to the Flying Sub hatch with his weapon): "Start marching!" KIRK (frowning as he makes his way over): "Boy. You guys from the past have no sense of humor." Buckled into their seats, Crane and Kirk prepare to leave the Seaview and head for the surface. From there, Crane will take the Flying Sub to the upper reaches of the atmosphere, to an altitude of some 100,000 feet--the beginning of space (the final frontier)--and attempt to signal the orbiting, albeit crippled Enterprise for help. However, without a heat shield, the FS-1 will burn up on its descent back to the ocean. So, unless the Enterprise heeds the message and beams the two men out of there in time, their characters will be instantly incinerated, fried to a crisp, and forever forgotten by even their most fanatic fans. KIRK (looking around in awe): "This is really neato! It's a whole lot better than our clunky shuttlecraft." CRANE: "Glad you like it! If you're good, maybe I'll let you take the wheel for a minute." KIRK: "You mean it?" CRANE: "Sure!" But as Crane flips the first switch, sparks shoot out from the panel and burn his finger. After that, the whole place breaks out in flames. The two Captains barely escape with their lives. Kirk flies up the stairs first, with Crane fast on his heels. A fire-detail runs over with gas masks and extinguishers to deal with the mess. CRANE (coughing): "What the heck do we even have this thing for! It's always on the fritz!" KRUEGER: "Vatch eet, Crane." KIRK (turning around and waving the last of the smoke away): "Uh-oh." KRUEGER (motioning with his WWI pistol): "Moof avay from heem, Kirk." KIRK (standing his ground): "No. Lee and I are in this together." KRUEGER: "Okay. Zen I shoot za bose of you." Kirk reconsiders, catapults himself over the heads of Crane and Krueger, ducks down on the far side of the Plot Table, closes his eyes, grabs his tail, and repeats to himself over and over: "I DO believe in spooks, I DO, I DO, I DO!" When that doesn't help, he starts praying to Vaal. The entire Control Room Watch stares in silence at the impossible situation unfolding before their eyes. KRUEGER (now that he has everyone's attention): "Zat's betta. Now, Captain Crane, I haf come to make viz you a barkin. Your life, for za lifes of your crew, unt your prrrecious unterzeeboot. Unt, I'll even fix za Enterprise unt sent her on her vay home to za future. Vhat do you say, hm? Sounts goot to me." CRANE: "Do I have your word that you'll let the Enterprise and the Seaview go?" KRUEGER (bowing): "You haf my vert as an officer unt a gentleman." KIRK (from behind the table): "Hah! Big woo!" KRUEGER (looking left): "Shut up, Mister schmarty-pants, or I vill tell your Muzza about all zose durty alien pin-ups you keep hitten in your chim locker!" KIRK (sinking even lower and whispering): "Darn those mind-melds." KRUEGER (once again focused on Crane): "I assure you, Captain, all vill be as eet vas before za Enterprise arriv't. Ekzept for you. You unt I are headink for za Bahamas, Kit!" CRANE (nodding in defeat): "All right, Krueger, I'm coming with you. Can I just say good-bye to my crew first?" KRUEGER: "Make eet fast, Crane. My U-boat ees double- parkt." CRANE (extending his hand to Chip Morton): "Bye, Chip. I'm proud to have served with you. You're a fine officer, and you've been an even finer friend. Too bad they didn't put more of that into the scripts, huh?" MORTON: "Lee! You're not going!" CRANE (smiling weakly): "Say good-bye to the men for me, and the Admiral, and . . ." (swallowing a lump): ". . . take care of my ship." KIRK (poking his head up): "Hey! That's my line!" KRUEGER (turning furiously): "All right, ZAT'S IT! (Taking dead aim at Kirk): "I am go-ink to off zis pain een za neck vunce unt for all!" CRANE (putting his hand over the muzzle of the gun): "You gave me your word, Captain Krueger." KRUEGER (regaining control of himself and nodding): "Unt I shall keep it. Now let's go. Lani gets mat eef I am late for dinna." Crane takes a fateful step toward Krueger. NELSON (from the spiral stairs, in a perfectly calm tone of voice): "Hold it right there, Lee--" All eyes turn to see the Admiral, who is holding a strange looking device in his hands. NELSON: "--you're not going anywhere. But Krueger is." KRUEGER: "Vat iss dat sink? I varn you, Aht-me-ral . . ." Nelson points the device at him and turns a knob. A high- pitched whine comes out of the fire-extinguisher nozzle on the top, and Krueger freezes in the act of reaching for Crane. The sound gets louder, and everyone covers his ears. After a few seconds, Krueger vanishes with a 'TWANGGG'. A couple of panels explode at the other side of the Control Room, and Nelson hastily drops the device as it starts to give off smoke and sparks.
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Copyright 1997 Rachel Howe and Alison Passarelli