A Textbook of the Physical Laws of the Irwin Allen Universe
Compiled by Debbie Post with contributions from the Irwin Allen News Network Mailing List and alert readers across the country and around the world.
Copyright 1998 by Debbie Post
Mahatma Randy's Law of Emergency Ballast Repair and Clarkian Psychology:
The likelihood of Seaman Clark NOT freaking out in an emergency situation is directly proportional to the likelihood of said emergency affecting the Ballast Tanks. In ANY situation invovlving failure of said Ballast Tank Controls, Clark will always volunteer to go in and free the valves. Furthermore, even though he has performed this emergency maneuver twenty times during the course of the show, he will ALWAYS get his hand stuck in the valve, and will need to be rescued by Captain Crane.
Addendum to Mahatma Randy's Law:
Clark will always volunteer, even in the fourth season after he has been deceased for nearly two years. He's that kind of loyal seaman.
Alison's Observation on Mahatma Randy's Law:
Captain Crane shall always wear a tie while crawling through said Ballast Tanks, regardless of his apparel as worn in the outside corridor. He's that kind of naval professional.
Bruce's Addendum to Seaview's Electrical Safety Regulations:
Under no circumstances shall vital electrical equipment be protected by fuses, circuit breakers, or other protective devices.
Bruce's Law of Irrelevant Observations in Nutty Webpages:
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Pixel's Postulate to Newton's Law of Motion
When a solid object (eg. Seaview, Jupiter II, Enterprise A-E) is affected by either an internal or external explosive force, only sentient, corporeal life forms will rock and roll. All other matter remains stationary, unless acted upon by said sentient, corporeal life forms.
Post's Expansion of Pixel's Postulate:
Nonliving matter shall remain fixed in place despite high rates of rotational motion. Only animate objects, such as crew and officers, shall be flung hither and thither in the event of shock waves, turbulence (expected or unexpected), underwater explosions and the like. Chairs, including those with castors, paper, plotting tools and clipboards shall remain at rest.
First Corollary to Pixel's Postulate:
Officers and crew are allowed to impart translational forces to inanimate objects, thus over-riding Pixel's Postulate. For example, senior officers can knock plotting tools onto the deck as they fling themselves back and forth across the Control Room.
Young's Law of Cosmic Power:
Regardless of today's progress in atomic physics, space propulsion, and manned space flight, quantum discoveries in the field of cosmic power shall be made in the mid-1980's such that the Jupiter II may take off on schedule according to the mid-1960's predictions of Irwin "Nostradamus" Allen.
Alison's Law of the Best Scene of the Worst Episode of Irwin Allen:
The best scene of the worst episode is when the final credits roll.
Post's Observation on Alison's Law:
At no time shall any two fans, selected at random, agree on the identity of the worst or the best episode. Any given episode shall simultaneously be both the best and the worst according to the opinion of 13.7% and 8.2% of fans, respectively.
Rachel's First and Second Laws of Shipboard Infrastructure
Fully functioning sea and space going vessels shall have no visible signs of infrastructure, such as laundry room and gym. Crew members shall spontaneously appear neat and pressed, unless a plot crisis is required. Crew members shall appear physically fit with no resort to exercise or apparent fitness programs. On submarines, most officers and crewmen shall be extraordinarily tall, fit and handsome, unless providing comic relief or scientific eccentricism.
Barbara's Observation on Rachel's Laws:
The Heads on said sea and space going vessels shall be visible only in the spacious cabins of senior officers, but at no time shall contain, let us say, "vital elements" of plumbing.
Timothy's First Speculation on the Irwin Allen Space Program:
In the pilot for LIS, atop the Chariot and just before entering the whirlpool, Don W. says to John R., "Hand me the solar wrench."
I wonder if it was sized in English, metric, or Astronomical Units?
Timothy's Second Speculation on the Irwin Allen Time Travel Project:
We conjecture that a fourth dimensional distortion of the space-time continuum is responsible for the repeated statement of Doug or Tony to just about everyone on any, or indeed all, episodes: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
Porter's First Speculation on Spacecraft Architecture:
What about the Jupiter II? Where did the Robinson's store their Chariot? And has anyone noticed that the inside of the Jupiter II looks a lot bigger than the outside? To answer these pressing questions, we request that a government research grant be immediately authorized for the Nelson Institute of Marine Research, Interplanetary Exploration Division.
Post's Glossary of Nautical Nomenclature:
Question: What is the appropriate nautical designation for a sailor seen in the first three minutes of airtime who has not been previously a member of the Seaview's crew?
Answer: Shark bait.
Question: What is the appropriate aeronautical designation for an unfamiliar crewman wearing a red jumpsuit and not speaking?
Question: What is the appropriate form of address for a visiting scientist holding several doctorates in marine biology, mathematics and computer science?
Answer: Arch villian.
Young's Addendum to the Glossary for Bilingual Readers:
A "casualty" is also known as a "red shirt" (a common phenomenon of Roddenberry Physics) and as an "arrow catcher" in Dungeons and Dragons.
First Law of Enemy Omniscience:
Regardless of the strictness of Allied security measures, enemy agents shall acquire thorough and highly detailed knowledge of Allied operations. Such agents shall freely infiltrate Allied bases, surface craft, research institutions, and submersibles, e.g., large research submarines. For example, enemy agents shall demonstrate full knowledge of the Flying Submarine operation and flight characteristics, Circuitry Room electrical schematics, and secret passcodes such as the position of a match in a matchbook. The location of senior officers onshore shall be watched and monitored at all times. In every instance, enemy agents are required to demonstrate more knowledge of mission goals and conditions than any onboard personnel of rank Executive Officer or below.
Fourth Axiom of Passenger Demographics:
83% of all visiting defense contractors and scientists onboard famous research vessels shall be the source of unforeseen deviations from mission objectives. Visiting scientists shall include a strict quota of 34% enemy agents and/or traitors, 21% obsessive fanatics, 6% unnatural or supernatural beings, 14% imposters, 16% stowaways, and 2% other.
First Postulate to the Fourth Axiom of Passenger Demographics:
At no time shall Seaview security measures be enhanced to guard against this repeated threat.
Second Postulate to the Fourth Axiom of Passenger Demographics:
Seaview senior officers shall evidence complete surprise and dismay when the true characteristics of visiting scientists and/or defense contractors are revealed.
Addendum to the Law of Nuclear Solutions (from Vol I):
Nuke 'em til they glow. Then, shoot 'em in the dark.
Irwin Allen's Uncertainty Principle Applied to Seaview's Architecture and Fan Curiosity:
There are things which you can never know. You can never know what those things are.
The Editors' Law of Fourth Dimensional Effects:
Any given webpage on any given day shall not look the same to two different personnel using two different computer systems at two different locations. A third person at yet another widely dispersed geographic location shall see yet another variation. No possible operation on the webpage shall reproduce the visual effect seen by another.
Post's Corrollary to the Editors' Law: The Laptop/Desktop Anomaly
Two computers located in the same room with the same operating system and the same version of software shall not display a webpage identically.
Passarelli's Corrollary to the Laptop Effect:
Fourth dimensional oscillations causing variable webpage appearance shall produce rapid spinning sensations between the ears, causing bursts of unfortunate language and flurries of electronic communiques to supposedly technically literate associates. This shall increase the number and frequency of the webpage anomalies. At no time shall this neutralize the fourth dimensional effects.
Howe's Corrollary to Passarelli's Corrollary:
Take a long walk and hope the Internet sorts itself out.
Test Report #323-243-B from the Nelson Institute of Marine Research, Applied Physics Division: Beverage Chromatography Experiment Results
We have scientifically proven that the color red is denser than the color silver. The reader can easily verify this in independent research. Take an unopened can of Diet Coke and an unopened can of Coke Classic. The Coke Classic is almost completely red, while the Diet Coke only has a thin stripe of red paint on the label. Otherwise, the beverages appear identical. Drop both into a swimming pool and the Coke Classic will sink, while the Diet Coke floats. Therefore, red must be denser than silver. You can achieve statistically significant results by using many samples -- works every time.
Additional Observations. This experiment is a great techno-geek thing to do during backyard BBQ's. If anyone inquires, we will also describe how you can explain to your host just why you felt it necessary to carefully place all the refreshments into the swimming pool without having your host kindly confiscate your car keys and call a taxi.
Test Report #9-3423-A from the Nelson Institute of Marine Research, Applied Physics Division: Photonic Behavior of Consumables Experiment Results
Light particles, or photons, are definitely emitted from certain solids, simply by applying enough pressure on the solid so that the crystalline matrix shatters. Readers may verify this principle by their own, independent research. Acquire Wintergreen flavor Certs Brand breath mints with sugar. Use of the sugar-free type will lead to experimental failure. Other flavors have not been investigated, and we request that you supply us with your results. Assemble your research staff and distribute one mint to each participant. Walk into your hall closet, shut the door, and lay a jacket across the bottom of the door to block out all light. Wait one minute for your eyes to adjust the dark. Stand face-to-face to your research assistant, place the mints in your mouths, and chew WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN. It is vital that you chew with your mouth wide open so that your research assistant can observe the light photons being released as you fracture the chemical bonds within the mint.
Warning: Making your teeth literally spark by chewing breath mints with your mouth wide open in the dark with a friend can lead to hysterical laughter. Please inform all participants to be sure and refrain from choking on the said breath mints. A review of the "Heimlich Maneuver" may be in order.
Additional Observation: Do not try and explain this experiment to unimaginative individuals, e.g., your mother.
Comments on "Phun With Physics II"
Back to Table of Contents