To: Admiral Harriman Nelson, retired From: Captain Gerhardt Krueger, deceased Re: Za boddy uff your Captain
Greetinks, my dear Atmeral, unt how are you zis fine vinta day? Me? I yam soakink up za rays here on Timula -- a desertet islant jus norz uff Mulayo (vich, if memory serfs, you blew up a couple uff yeerce ako).
Za reason for zis memo iss simple: I neet za boddy uff your Captain. Now before you haf a schtroke, let me explain. You see, my Lani vants me to take her dance-ink on Sataday. Unter normal zircumstances, zis voot not be a proplem, as I vas za grant prize vinna unt undisputet champion of za Berlin Frolics of 1912. (Zis vas before Chermany vent bonkers viz all zat "Cabaret" schtuff you unterschtant.) But I find zat vizzout a boddy, za two-schtep iss just too hart! Now don't try to tell me zat Crrrrrane can't Can-Can. I haf seen za boy in a tux! (Vee haf cable now unt caught "Za Fly" last night on TV. Zum moofee, huh? Zat's vhat schartet Lani on zis rrrrridiculous crusate in za first place.)
Your cooperation in zis matta voot be most appreciatet, my dear Atmeral. At zis point, even za hokey-pokey voot get me out uf hot vater viz Lani. (Shees got a tempa, zat one! Between you unt me, I zink her bun iss too tight!) I promise to haf Crrrrrane's boddy back to za Seaview by mornink mess call. I neetent mention vhat coot happen to your unterseeboot should you fail me.
Sookjest you shoot za Captain in za right arm immeetiately. I've got to leet viz hiss left, unt I neet hiss tootsies for za terpsichore!
I yam lyink two points off your schtarbort bow. I avait your reply.
To: Captain Gerhardt Krueger, deceased From: Admiral Harriman Nelson, retired Re: Unauthorized shore leave for command personnel
Krueger, you ARE mad! I have tried to be patient with you; I have tried to respect you as a fellow naval officer; but this is the end. You have gone too far. Now, you will do what I say and you will do it immediately.
First, you will remove yourself from that tiny island. Idiot! Don't you know that when the honeymoon is over, you need to get a little outside excitement in your lives? Return to Germany at once. The castle Von Duessendorf on the south Rhine is perfect for you and Lani to haunt. And Munich is just around the corner -- lots of Bierhausen for you both to hit on Saturday nights.
Second, you will get that broken down crate of a submarine out of my way, or so help me, I'll order Chief Sharkey to fire missile #4 AGAIN! Several times if necessary! We'll keep looping the stock footage and you will understand the meaning of "iron rain".
Third, forget the shooting thing -- once and for all! Crane passes out with fair regularity -- no need to damage the merchandise.
And just be forewarned, Krueger -- we have a newly installed Ultra Mega X-99 Force Field which beats electrifying the hull hands down -- and it will fry your little essence right back into protoplasm if you try anything.
Begone, Krueger! And take that accent with you before it gives my spellchecker apoplexy!
To: Admiral Nelson From: Lani Re: Getting your Irish up
Admiral, you should not have called my Gerhardt an "idiot". He is boiling mad. In fact, I have not seen him this livid since his guest appearance on Bonanza was pre-empted by a Flipper rerun. (SAG is still refusing to pay residuals.)
Captain Krueger is now en route to your submarine, Admiral, and this is your fault. I have repeatedly warned you: CLOSE YOUR MIND AGAINST HIS THOUGHTS! CLOSE YOUR MIND AGAINST HIS THOUGHTS!, yet you refuse to listen. Unless you hear my words now and follow them to the letter, Captain Crane is as good as dead. (Wish I could come over and help, but I just washed my sarong and can't do a THING with it!) Believe me when I tell you your torpedoes are toys. Your force fields are feckless. But stock footage . . . that is another matter. Here is my plan, Admiral:
When Gerhardt arrives, let him spin around in your big black leather chair for awhile. As he's ranting and raving and mixing his metaphors, secretly replace the bullets in your service pistol with BB pellets. Then, as you did once before, walk down the corridor like a complete zombie. (Your crew will ignore you as usual.) Meanwhile, make sure that in your Control Room there is a 16 mm projector loaded with stock footage from "The Return of the Phantom". At the proper moment, preferably before you pull the trigger, have Crane douse the lights and fire up the film. Gerhardt will be fooled, Crane will be saved, and my dress will have dried. If things don't work out, tell Crane I'll meet him at the Club.
To: Lt. Commander Charles Phillip Morton, Submarine SSRN Seaview, South Pacific From: Captain Lee Crane, Nimitz Naval Hospital, Pearl Harbor, Hawaii Re: Medical Status of Seaview Senior Officers
Well, Chip, the psychiatric staff here have found nothing wrong with Admiral Nelson. They have certified him completely fit for duty: emotionally, mentally and physically. While he is convinced that his actions saved my life and that of every crew member aboard Seaview, his story makes little sense to me. I just don't understand why he discharged a firearm in the Control Room during our evasive maneuvers against that unknown submarine.
By the way, have you any further information regarding how said submarine vanished from our instrumentation? I am concerned about an intermittent electrical failure in the circuitry. Please have the duty electrician run a thorough check of the Aft Circuitry Room.
Oh, yes -- I'm fine, too. It's been rather embarrassing, but the duty physician removed all 23 BB pellets from my hide yesterday. I won't be able to sit down for at least a week. In addition, I've had a devil of a time explaining how I intersected with a load of buckshot while at sea. The medical staff keeps speculating about how I managed to have a run-in with a farmer's daughter's father while while cruising 1200 miles out of Santa Barbara. Much to my chagrin, I am providing the medical staff here considerable amusement at my expense.
I will expect you in port next Monday at the earliest with the results of the oceanographic survey.
To: Captain Lee B. Crane, Nimitz Naval Hospital, Pearl Harbor, Hawaii From: Lt. Commander Charles Phillip Morton, ACTING Captain, SSRN Seaview Re: Getting Well
Hey, Lee, glad to hear you and the Admiral are pretty much 4-0 again. However, with regard to picking you up at Pearl on Monday . . . uh . . . can we make it two weeks from Wednesday? It's been so quiet on Seaview since you and the Admiral went on Sick Leave: no monsters, no mad scientists, no leprechauns, and no senior officers trying to kill one another! Frankly, Lee, it's been like a paid vacation for the men. So if it's all the same to you, we'll proceed to Pearl Harbor as ordered -- but at Dead Slow.
BTW, our equipment is fine. Turns out that vanishing sub was none other than the U-444! After you and the Admiral were carried out of the Control Room, Captain Krueger showed up. He was drunk as a skunk! First, he bursts into song (he crooned "Lani Marlene" for the better part of an hour!), then, he bursts into flames (remember "The Heat Monster"?). Sharkey hit him with a CO2 canister and that was the end of that episode! So the Admiral did save your life after all.
Always keep in mind Lee, that when Harry Nelson points a gun at you, he's usually got a good reason.
To: LIEUTENANT Commander Chip Morton, Executive Officer, SSRN Seaview From: Commander Lee Benjamin Crane, CAPTAIN of the SSRN Seaview dammit, Wakiki Beach, Hawaii Re: Borderline insubordination by Executive Officers
You will proceed at all possible speed to the Hawaiian Islands right now, MISTER Morton! That is an order. If you arrive within 48 hours, I will disregard the tone of your last communique. Just don't get too comfy in your role of acting, I repeat, acting Captain.
If the crew requires shore leave, they can have it in abundance here at Wakiki Beach. (Incidentally, I have made the acquaintance of the cheerleading squad at the University of Honolulu, and have arranged a few dates for the single men of the Control Room watch, the Forward Torpedo Room watch, all of the Electrician's Mates -- we really overwork those boys -- and pretty much the entire rest of the crew. Nothing fancy: just a tailgate party at the Home Coming game with a luau on the beach afterwards.)
Admiral Nelson wants Seaview in dry dock immediately at the General Electric Lockheed Martin Boeing Submersible Boat Works (a division of Microsoft). He's got a terrific experiment lined up. All I can tell you now is that it will allow us to fully automate Seaview with state of the art computers and a new operating system: the Windows 99Z Beta OS. We can run an entire experimental series while the crew is resting up.
This will also allow the Admiral and me to sail off into the unknown with a bunch of total strangers aboard Seaview. Of course, their security clearances have been thoroughly checked via the Pearl Harbor computer network (also a division of Microsoft and America On Line). So relax. There will be nothing to worry about.
To: LBC From: CPM Re: Luau
Nothing to worry about, huh, Lee? Where have I heard THAT before! In any case, Seaview will proceed to Pearl Harbor with all possible haste. (But you know how this boat is always breaking down. So if we don't get there on time, tough cookies.)
The men are really looking forward to Shore Leave on Wakiki -- especially Riley. (Kowalski wants to know if he can borrow the Flying Sub for the tailgate party.) Personally, I wish I'd signed up for Star Fleet instead of enlisting in the Navy. Although, now that I think of it, Jim Kirk is even more paranoid about losing command than YOU are. As for poor Seaview, I can't help feeling sorry for the old girl. That automated equipment can only give her innards indigestion -- computerwise.
See you on the beach, Lee. And don't worry, I'm not really after your job. I'm sure I'd have a bad headache if I knew all those aliens and ghosts and mermaids were vying for a piece of ME! Acting Captain Morton . . . over and out.
To: ADM. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPacman, Pearl Harbor Naval Base, Hawaiian Islands From: LT. CMDR. Charles Phillip Morton Re: Misplaced submarine
Admiral Starke, sir, have you by any chance had any word from Seaview? The entire crew partied pretty hard during shore leave the last few days, and well, by the time everyone settled down, we'd pretty much lost track of the time. And, er, we've also lost track of Seaview, sir. The Skipper said something about setting up a fully automated test and going for a cruise with some civilians. The dry-dock foreman at Amalgamated Shipworks, Incorporated (Subdivision of Microsoft) said Seaview sailed off last week.
Er, don't you think they would have left word with someone about where they were headed, sir? We can't seem to find anyone who has heard from Captain Crane, Admiral Nelson, or who even saw which way Seaview went. We would appreciate your assistance, Admiral. Did you assign them a super secret mission? If so, then that's all right because they never tell me anything important about missions. I just get her wherever she's supposed to be -- the Admiral and the Captain do occasionally unbend enough to give me an actual course.
Ah, well, we'd appreciate your help, Admiral. Er, sorry for the goof up. Sir.
To: LT. CMDR. Morton From: ADM. Jiggs Starke Re: MYOB
Have you ever asked yourself WHY you're out of the loop, Commander? Harry himself told me he doesn't trust you. Says he can never tell what you're thinking. But I must admit, you've got guts -- sending me a memo like this when you know I eat junior officers for breakfast! In this instance, I'll make an exception and tell you something for once. Seaview is definitely out on a Top Secret assignment. She's searching the seven seas for a couple of humpback whales named 'Hope' and 'Crosby'.
Keep this under your hat, Commander, but Paramount has been threatening Twentieth Century-Fox with a hostile takeover. As the most advanced tactical weapon on the face of the earth, Seaview is our only hope. After all, Seaview has AMRAC on board. None of us has any idea what that stands for, but hey, it sounds good. And it might just do the trick! So keep your fingers crossed and enjoy what's left of your Shore Leave. And before I forget, next time you send a picture of yourself to a four star Admiral with a bad temper, make sure you SQUARE YOUR HAT, SAILOR!
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