To: Research Staff at NIMR From: Seamen Patterson, Riley and Kowalski Subj: Poor quality of diving gear
Listen, you ground hogs! When we are out diving and putting our hides on the line to get a job done, we depend on first rate gear. These new underwater drills you sent along on our last mission are no good! The minute we started them up, they just about shook our arms off. And then we find out that large marine mammals are attracted by the gosh awful noise. Hey, land lubbers! Have you ever tried to patch up a marine cable with an inquisitive humpback whale bubbling over your shoulder????
To: Seamen Patterson, Riley and Kowalski From: Tim and Al (NIMR's Underwater Tool-Time Division) Subj: The usual: whining and complaining
First of all, you sea wimps, the item in question (underwater drill) was rated A#1 last month by Don Knotts (code name -- "Mr. Limpet"). Second, Commies have already stolen the design, so what does THAT tell you! Third, you guys just aren't happy unless you're belly-aching. Fourth, the "gosh awful noise" to which you referred is SUPPOSED to attract large marine mammals. We know you sub-jockeys would rather tangle with mummies and mermaids and broken U-boats, but this Institute is dedicated to marine research, after all. The Admiral figured you could patch up cables AND get in some whale studies at the same time. Fifth, as for the drills shaking your arms off, we just threw that feature in for the heck of it!
To: NIMR Underwater Equipment Engineering Department From: Adm. Harriman Nelson (ret.) Subj: Patent Pending on New Marine Mammal Attractor & Application for Top Secret "Eyes Only" Security Rating
Gentlemen: My crew informs me of an astounding side effect of your marine drill design. This will revolutionize the studies of marine biologists for ages to come. Effective immediately, abandon all research on the "drilling" aspect of your equipment, and focus on making the vibration and noise tunable by remote control. If my theory is correct, we shall be able to attract mammals at will for scientific research. Meet with the Institute patent lawyer at once to get the paperwork going. Also, Security Chief Bridgewell will be meeting with you regarding proper security measures to protect this device. I am horrified to think how this equipment could be abused in the hands of unscrupulous whalers or deep-sea poachers. Heaven knows what the effect on Homo sapiens would be. Keep up the good work, men!
To: Admiral Nelson From: CC Subj: Absolute Power
Admiral, Sparks showed me the attached memo and I ordered him not to send it. You are clearly going over the deep-end again. (Are you taking your pills?) We need that drill in order to put holes in AOL's underwater cables -- the place where they store their clients' lost e-mails. And in case you have forgotten our last three run-ins with mammals of the cetacean variety, I suggest you watch our old home movies: "The Ghost of Moby Dick", "Jonah and the Whale" and "Shape of Doom". I'm not going through THAT horror again! In addition, I have spoken with Kowalski, Riley and Patterson, and they inform me that their message to NIMR was a practical joke. So quit foaming at the mouth and get hold of yourself, sir! Good thing I'm here to keep you in check. Recommend you also watch "Mutiny" -- don't like to pat myself on the back, but if I hadn't pulled that gun on you, we wouldn't be corresponding on this or any other matter. Please, sir, take a nap or something and let me run this ship in peace!
To: Commander Crane From: Admiral Harriman Nelson (ret.) Subj: Adjustment of Seaview's Command Structure
Commander, may I inform you that Seaview is MY research vessel. Seaview is funded by MY scientific institute (with an international reputation, I might add). Furthermore, her crew is employed by ME personally (and they know exactly where they draw their paychecks from). Finally, I am a FULL Admiral, which is FIVE full pay grades above yours.
What do I pay you for, Commander? I pay you to go where I wish, when I wish it, at the time I wish it. If I desire to investigate a new deep-sea technology for sonic vibrational mammal resonance, then that is precisely what we shall do.
Do you have a problem with that, Commander? If so, then I might be tempted to make some changes around here. Lt. Cmdr. Morton is due for a promotion, and he is always ready and willing to do precisely what I tell him to do, whether he understands it or not. And without back chat.
DO . . . I . . . MAKE . . . MYSELF . . .CLEAR????!!!!
To: Harriman (Full Admiral -- retired) Nelson From: Lee (if I were still in the Navy I'd be an Admiral myself by now!) Crane Subj: Your Temper
Jeepers creepers, Admiral, can't you take a joke anymore? I was only joshing. And about making Chip Captain of the Seaview -- you can't be serious. The guy's never even been out of the Control Room! BTW, are you aware that the 'loyal' Lt. Cmdr. Morton once planned to mutiny against you? It was that time you went slightly nuts after breathing from that EBA (Emergency Breathing Apparatus) I lent you in "Blow Up"? If I hadn't come upon Morton's meeting with his gang of conspirators, you would have been shark food, sir! That's right! They were ready to stick you in the Escape Hatch and let you become an aquatic appetizer.
You may sign the paychecks around here, but everybody knows I'm the sane one. I'm the one who does all the work. I'm the one who keeps this titanium tub from coming apart at the seams every time YOU send her diving below her crush depth. (Note to self -- Make effort to find out exactly what IS "crush depth".)
So anyway, sir, calm down. Kindly take one of those anti-werewolf chill-pills Doc gave you and GET OFF MY BACK! You want to investigate new deep-sea technology for sonic vibrational mammal resonance? Fine with me. As long as I get to keep my parking space at the Institute, I couldn't care less WHERE we go, or WHAT we do!
PS -- I want a raise!
To: Commander L. B. Crane, alleged Captain of SSRN Seaview From: Admiral H. Nelson, owner, designer and ranking officer of same Subj: Presence of imposters aboard Seaview masquerading as part of command crew
Y'know, Lee, I've been worried about you. I really have. You seem all tense and uptight this cruise. If you have any, y'know, personal problems, I would really like for you to tell me about them. I can help. Just remember, my door is always open (unless jammed shut by ex-WWI submarine commanders or redirected through the fourth dimension by little shrimps with big watches and even bigger delusions of grandeur). Now, just set a course for the coordinates on the attached diagram. I'll be down later to check over your work. I don't want any foul-ups on this cruise. On second thought, just send up Mr. Morton and Chief Sharkey. I'll fill them in on the mission. You just sit back, relax and think tranquil thoughts. Go ahead and level off at 90 feet, if you want, and have fun looking through the periscope (although what you're gonna see through that thing is beyond me). Oh, and let me know when we start closing in on the advanced elements of the 11th Fleet.
To: Research Staff at NIMR From: Seamen Patterson, Riley and Kowalski Subj: Poor quality of Undersea Sonic Mammal Resonance Gear
Listen, guys! What is it with these new underwater drills you sent along? They are no good! The minute we started them up, they just about shook our arms off and attracted large marine mammals from every point of the compass. And they don't seem to drill at all! What is going on? What the HECK is 'undersea mammal resonance' anyway? Why don't you come out here and conduct your own darned research? Why are you always sending Seaview out with experimental gear and prototype gadgets anyway? Why don't you test this stuff onshore? Why . . . [...ssssttttt .... crackle ..... hmmmmm ..... TRANSMISSION ABORTED DUE TO SONIC INTERFERENCE ..... ssstttt...]
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