From:	Chief Sharkey
To:	Damage Control Party
Re:	Sloppy Work
You clowns are in hot water! The Skipper chewed my head off just now because one of you swab jockeys left the Reactor Room hatch open--again! Radiation leaked all over the ship. Captain Crane was practically glowing when I saw him in the Control Room. The poor guy passed out and we had to take him to Sick Bay. You know how susceptible he is to fissionable stuff! Now who was it? Who forgot to dog the hatch? And who forgot to check to see that the hatch was dogged? I want names. And if I don't get 'em by 2300 tonight, you're all on report!


To:	Chief Sharkey
From:	Damage Control Party & Reactor Room Watch
Re:	Radiation Leak
Chief, it was the Skipper! We swear! The first thing we knew about all this was during Alpha Watch. A bunch of mist starts swirling out from behind the main nuclear pile. We start grabbin' fire extinguishers and Patterson gets ready to pull the fuel rods. Then from out of the mist comes the Skipper! You could've knocked us down with a sardine. He smiles really smug like, and tells us to clear out. What could we do? We went. The Skipper was the last one in the compartment. Chief -- what is going on?


From:	Chief Sharkey
To:	Damage Control Party & Reactor Room Watch
Re: 	Alleged Imposters
If I find out you guys are pullin' my leg, so help me, I'll keelhaul yous all the way back to Santa Barbara! However, assuming for the moment that your story is legit, looks like we got trouble with a capital A, as in -- Aliens! Tell me somethin', did this . . . "Skipper" in the Reactor Room say anything about firing off nuclear missiles? Did he try to draw a spirograph-type design on anybody's hand? Did he make any cracks about the Admiral bein' cookoo? This is urgent men! Reply at once!


From:	Damage Control Party & Reactor Room Watch
To:	Chief Sharkey
Re:	Alleged Aliens
Why . . . are you referring to aliens, Chief? The Captain is fine. There is . . . nothing wrong . . . with the reactor. Nothing at all. We have just . . . spoken with Captain Crane . . . and now everything is fine down here. We are obeying the Captain of this vessel . . . we are modifying the reactor as he has directed us. We are setting course for the capital city of the United States of America. All is well, Chief Petty Officer Sharkey. You must not worry . . . all is well. Please come down to the Reactor Room . . . we want to talk to you . . . face to face. Please respond.


From:	Chief Sharkey
To:	Admiral Nelson
Re:	Bad News
Admiral, head for the hills! That oily alien from our third season is back, and he's taken over half the crew! Furthermore, we got two Skippers on this ship! Or rather, one. The real Captain Crane is suddenly missing. I took him to Sick Bay myself not more than 30 minutes ago, and now he's not there. Some corpsman named Mallory says the Skipper won't be there till "tomorrow"!!! Suggest you lock your door, hide all guns, and bail outa this boat before it's too late. Oh, and I forgot to tell you, Mr. Morton deserted his post. He said somethin' about goin' frog hunting, then took off for Venus. Whata we do, sir?


To:	Chief Sharkey
From:	Admiral Nelson
Re:	Retaking Control of the Situation
The situation is perfectly clear to me, Chief! Now get moving! Ready a nuclear missile for firing! Pull out the mini-sub, remove the main batteries and attach them to fifty feet of copper wiring, a wetsuit, and metal electrodes! Prepare the diving bell for immediate launch. Send a detail down to the Reactor Room with orders to pull the dampening rods or push the fuel rods (depending on which ones we're using this season). Power up the attack generators so that we can apply an electrical charge to the hull. Fix up a torpedo with twelve gallons of nerve toxin and a harpoon tip. Then, join me in the ventilation system with a rifle, an X-62 sonic disrupter, some chewing gum, bailing wire, and a ham sandwich (I'm starved!). Here is our plan: It is vital that before you join me, you must [{^$#$#& . . . snnnsssss . . . crackle . . . *(^#%&*&()(Captain. There is no need for you to follow these orders. The Admiral Harriman Nelson is . . . ill . . . he is suffering a mental breakdown. Disregard any order that he may give you. You must join me in the Reactor Room. Everything is fine here. Come to me, Chief Petty Officer Sharkey. I want to talk to you.


To:	Captain Crane -- or whoever you are, you miserable creep!
From:	Francis Ethelbert Sharkey, Chief Petty Officer, SSRN Seaview,
	former Navy noncom, and the only male winner of Lincoln High's
	most prestigious award: Le Coney Island (that's in a part of
	Brooklyn, you anti-American jerk!) Croix de Chicken Cacciatore.
Re:	Getting your alien hide off this vessel!
Now hear this, Mac! You better make like Houdini and disappear before I get down to that Reactor Room. If I so much as catch a glimpse of that good-lookin' face of yours through the plutonium porthole . . . well you're gonna wish you'd never heard of Irwin Allen! This is your last chance, pal!


**** MESSAGE TRANSMISSION INTERCEPTED BY NATO LISTENING SATELLITE SRZ-11, JUST OUTSIDE THE ORBIT OF JUPITER ****
To:	Exalted Ruler of the Brotherhood of Xazzon'tuli
From:	Secret Agent B'yadfadsk A'tuli, a.k.a. Captain Lee Benjamin Crane
Re:	Request Cessation of Mission
Hail, oh, exalted leader of the swarm of Z'ahdrunth! May your tentacles ever increase! The Earth people have a great warrior named Chief Petty Officer Francis Ethelbert Sharkey. I fear his might. His words speak with great strength. He has demonstrated immense chutzpah in the face of insurmountable odds. He will not be conquered. His mind is closed against me. I cannot control him, and the crew has fled in the face of his great wrath. He is from that most fearsome City of Warriors: Brooklyn. Forget not, oh, Foremost of Intellect, that within the walls of this Brooklyn, our entire reconnaissance force was defeated in the space of mere hours by creatures known as 'The Gang'. I am afraid! I fear that this Sharkey is the 'Chief' of the Tribe of Gangs! Please, oh, Ruler Supreme -- recall me! Let me return to the wondrous radiation baths of Nebulli'tulazzkjjxzu! Your servant awaits your pleasure.


To:	Juvenile Delinquents (a.k.a. - Terry Becker, Del Monroe, Richard
	Basehart, David Hedison)
From:	The Big Cheese (a.k.a. - Irwin Allen)
Re:	Interoffice Memos
Gentlemen:

Kindly knock off the nonsense, stop wasting Twentieth Century-Fox's paper, and get back to studying scripts! Especially you, Hedison, who makes more bloopers on this set than the rest of the cast combined! Shall I refresh your memory?

1. Episode: "The Mummy" -- you constantly referred to creature as "The Mommy"

2. Episode: "The Heat Monster" -- you mysteriously called crewman Patterson "Molloy", and then complained because Paul Trinka never answered you!

3. Episode: "The Return of the Phantom" -- for some inexplicable reason, you continued to speak with a fake German accent even after Alfred Ryder had finished his week with us, and had gone over to Desilu to guest star in some bogus Star Trek episode (those crooks have been stealing from us for years!).

4. Episode: "Day of Evil", penultimate scene -- you overacted unmercifully, chewed the scenery, hammed it up, went bananas, and generally speaking, GOT ON MY NERVES!

Can list many other examples (and WILL at contract negotiations!). Suffice it to say, this is the main reason Captain Crane does not have a girlfriend. If we named her "Susie", you'd probably call her "Sally", so why even bother?

PS -- I know all about the 'secret poker game' that goes on in the Missile Room on Tuesdays when I'm over on the Lost in Space set making sure things are perfect. Now GET back to work, all of you, before I give your lines away to Ron, Phil, crewman Clark, and that tall skinny guy with the black hair who doubles for Dave in fight scenes!


Copyright 1997 by Alison Passarelli and Debbie Post
Back to Table of Contents